On Casual Sex, and Zach's Casual Sex Habits

I recently read an article about how casual sex is bad for relationships and individuals alike, and that it's on the rise. Shortly thereafter, I read another piece about how it's not really on the rise, nor is it particularly bad for people. So which is it? Well, I'll let you decide.

Hillary, a regular reader, weighs her options.

Nah, not really. I'll tell you. It's the second one.

How do I know? Well, not to resort to ad hominem attacks, but one is a site that claims to have "all you need to know about everything that matters", and has such breaking front page articles as "Most Compulsive Twitterers of 2009". The other is scientific research that has recently been published. The latter also isn't redolent of a "those crazy kids" rant that I see pretty regularly making the rounds, exclaiming that everyone is doing more drugs, having more sex, cussing more, and probably eating more babies than any generation previous. As it turns out in nearly every case, no one generation ends up being that different from the last.

I also know from personal experience. That's right kids. I know this may surprise you, but I have had sex with someone with whom I wasn't romantically involved. But actually, in full disclosure, it did mess with me for a little while. In fact, I had some sort of weird hangups about sex for a pretty long time. Get comfy, kids: it's story time.

It's now time for the other type of fireside chat.

When I was in the eighth grade, I dated a girl for 9 months. (9 months and one day, actually, as it seemed cruel to dump her on our monthiversary. Seriously.) Towards the end of this 9 months and the many months after that we continued to hook up, I routinely received oral sex from her, but we hadn't gone any further*. We had talked about having sex , decided we were both okay with it in theory. She went and got condoms, and ater a lot of debating, I eventually decided that I was ready, and that I was going to have sex with her. We were broken up at the time, as I broke up with her for being completely emotionally dependent on me, and I could no longer handle the pressure. Why I decided that sex would not compound this problem, I'm not sure. Emotionally, I still think I could have handled it, but she certainly couldn't have, at least not given our situation. Shortly after this decision, she and I got a little alone time at her mom's place, but after much ramping up and me being nervous as hell, her mom came home before we did, and it never happened. Shortly thereafter, we stopped talking altogether for a while, and so we never had sex.

Though I got into other situations in which I could have had sex after that, for whatever reason I had always known that my first time had to be meaningful. I don't know when I decided this, or what my reasoning was, but it was always there, crystal clear in my head. My best friend at the time had the exact same view as me: the first time has to be with a girl that you really care about, but after that you can have as much sex as you want, with whomever you want. Presumably within reason, but neither of us had even gotten that first step.

Throughout high school, I dated a few girls, but never came particularly close to sleeping with any of them. The only girls I would have even really had a shot sleeping with were girls that I didn't have any great interest in long-term, which, at the time, meant I didn't have any interest in fucking them, either. Eventually, I did end up staying with a girl for long enough, and caring about her enough, to have sex with her. If you haven't already heard that story, I told it here. Around a year after that, I was head over heels for another girlfriend, and had sex with her, too. It wasn't until a few months after she and I broke up that I had sex** with a girl with whom I wasn't attached, nor particularly interested in. She was a friend of a friend, and she was very straightforwardly a booty call (as I was for her). The night it happened, I told her up front that I wasn't going to have sex with her. She asked why not, and I think I did a pretty half-assed job of explaining it, but gave her the basic idea: I'm not in love with you, and I've never slept with someone I'm not in love with. However, hormones, self-destructive tendencies and wheedling got the better of me, and eventually we had sex. The next day, I felt terrible. My aforementioned best friend was unavailable for a few days, and all my other friends with whom I'd have liked to talk about it knew her, and I wasn't sure if I wanted to tell anyone about it yet. So I basically spent a couple days stressing over this, and not knowing what to do. The weirdest part is that at no point could I explain why I felt bad. I remember thinking, okay, I guess now I'm the type of guy who just fucks girls he doesn't care about. Firstly, given my history, I was obviously not this type of guy. Secondly, I knew guys like this, and I didn't think they were doing anything wrong. So what was it?

After a few days, I eventually just chalked it up to Stupid Shit I Learned At Catholic School. As much as I balked at all of the stupid abstinence-only bullshit they crammed down our throats, I managed to retain just a little bit of the moralistic view of casual sex. It took some fairly serious searching to realize that I wasn't doing anything that I disagreed with for anyone else, and, when I really thought about, I didn't disagree with for myself either. Since then, I've had sexual encounters of the casual and the committed kind, and I've felt fine about all of them.

Throughout his issues, Tiger still finds time to be excited about my breakthrough.

The point I'm trying to make is not that you need to go out and have sex with strangers. My point is that you shouldn't let anyone tell you not to. The cultural stigma (especially for women) is strong, but you shouldn't let it stop you. If it sounds like fun, you're up front about your intentions with the other party(ies), and you're safe, then go for it. It looks like it's not going to hurt you if you're in it for the right reasons***. Science says so.

*This was the case with girls for a long while after that. I managed to go 5 years from the first time I received oral sex to the first time I gave it. This was not my desire, as in nearly every case I offered to reciprocate and was turned down. Women are weird.

**I am referring to penis-in-vagina sex, as I have not counted oral sex, mutual masturbation, or many other things which to many people constitute sex. My fixation on PIV sex in particular is another odd part of my adolescent views on sex, though less odd than some things. I plan on talking about what exactly constitutes sex very soon.

***This could be a number of things, eg. I felt like it, He was hot, I wanted to try out this new toy, I found out we were both into elbow play****, etc. It is expressly not things like I wanted to get back at my friend, I wanted to give him an STD, etc.

****It's not a real thing, don't worry. I only know about a FEW sexy activities that you don't.

Images via donkeydish.net, softpicks.net, and static.squidoo.com

Chagrin

As Google finally came out with its browser for mac this week, I was going through all of my bookmarks to see what I actually wanted to keep on my shiny new browser. I was ecstatic to find a site I hadn't been to in a long time called Chagrin. Chagrin is nothing more than a collection of sexy photos that's constantly being added to, but whoever checks submissions to this site is a genius. I lose hours to this site. Hours. See for yourself. (NSFW)

Actors Are Heroes Too

As it turns out, occasionally actors are as cool as the people they play on screen. Take, for example, Mariska Hartigay from Law and Order: SVU. Not only does she try and put rapists behind bars on TV, she does it in real life, too. Pretty neat.

Porn: It's AOK!

It turns out all guys watch porn, even those in relationships. But it's okay, because they're all feminists, and they all hate the violent porn that's, you know, really popular and sells really well. Sound confusing? Maybe that's because this Montreal researcher decided to publish his findings after talking to twenty people. Twenty Canadian people.

The Menstrual Cycle

It is my firm belief that men need to get over their hangups about periods. They're not weird. Over half the world gets them pretty frequently at some point in their life, in fact. So why do guys have to get grossed out every time it comes up? For that matter, why do guys think that the period means there's a week you can't have sex? All it means is there's a week that your girl can't get pregnant! Hardly something to complain about. I recognize I'm a bit of an anomaly as far as these things are concerned (In middle school I carried Midol in my backpack because my female friends would complain about cramps to me), but I think guys really need to step it up. In the interest of making this a more friendly concept, I give you the menstrual cycle, brought to you by I Heart Guts.

On Sex Toys

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On Rape Culture, Part I

There is a term you may have heard before that is often used by feminists (or at least some groups thereof) to describe the climate in which we live. It is a far reaching term, with many implications, some tangible, many not. It is a term and idea that embodies a huge percentage of women's issues, especially those concerning problems with sexuality in our culture.

This term is 2 girls 1 cup.

Not really.

This term is "rape culture". We live in a rape culture, many argue. What does this mean? Well, it means a whole lot of things, and it's difficult to explain quickly. For a quick rundown of a huge number of examples, this article is pretty Goddamned good, and I would seriously recommend reading at least a few paragraphs. For those of you who won't, however, I'll do my best to give a rough idea. Rape culture is, essentially, the notion that we live in a culture that at the very least trivializes rape, and at worst encourages it. This is a big claim, but it is one people are perfectly willing to back up. Again, this article provides over 50 examples of what the term encompasses. Some of the things I hear most often are things like the fact that 1 in 6 women in the United States will be sexually assaulted in their lifetime, and there is a large chance that statistic is undershooting. Also hugely important is how often sex and violence are conflated in the media. One doesn't need to look far to find ads like this, this or these. Another huge one is victim blaming. That is, thinking that a rape is ever anyone's fault other than the rapist. This can be as obvious as people who say something like "She was asking for it, look what she wears.", to much more common things like "Well she got drunk and went home with him, what did she think was going to happen at his place?" Other examples are the narrative that rapists are these dirty ugly men in trenchcoats who hide behind bushes, waiting to attack a stranger. Part of the rape culture is the lack of widespread information about what actually constitutes rape. More than any one of these things is the fact that still nothing seems to change in this regard. It is difficult to argue that it is anything less than a rape culture that allows a 15 year-old girl to be gang raped outside her high school in front of 15 bystanders with no one calling the police.

There were two things that got me thinking about this recently (before the Richmond tragedy). The first was this article, entitled Schrödinger's rapist. It's all about how men should be extremely careful in approaching a woman in public, and to pay close attention to and respect all signs that she may not want to talk. This isn't simply telling you not to hit on women wearing headphones. This is saying, do not smile and say hello to women that seem closed off. Now, this article immediately upset me. I am, I like to think, a nice guy. I see people, I smile at them, and occasionally make small talk. When I see a strange woman walking by and I smile, and she gives me a look like I'd just asked if she'd like to fuck in a bush, I always get indignant. It can sometimes ruin my mood entirely. I'm a good guy, and don't want to hurt people, and I get offended when women think otherwise. Schrödinger's rapist helped me realize something, though. There are people who want to hurt people. While I know this, of course, it's not something I think about regularly. Sure, occasionally I'll walk a little quicker if I get to a particularly dimly lit street walking alone in the middle of the night. This is by no means what I'm talking about. It's something a lot deeper.

Pictured: Schrödinger's cat. Not pictured: Schrödinger's rapist. You're welcome.

The second was the same day I read that article. In my gender studies class that I went to directly after reading that article, we had a guest lecturer. At one point, she asked the class (of around 150, probably 130 of whom are women) what precautions they take to avoid being sexually assaulted. Scores of hands shot up. Everyone answered, but no piece of advice was repeated. These women all had a huge number of different things they did to avoid harm. I knew this was something that women occasionally had to think about, but these two things really let it sink into my mind. These are constant worries for women. Many women don't leave the house without thinking about some of these things, and certainly women who have been sexually assaulted in the house never do. This is something that shocked and depressed me immediately, and is still difficult to truly take in. As a man, I can never truly know what it's like being so conscious of the threat posed by the other sex all the time. However, I can try and be more understanding when women are worried about it, and when I'm in a situation that could be potentially threatening to a woman to tread lightly.

But this is a solution that leaves much to be desired. Obviously just making women feel slightly less scared some of the time is not a solution at all. What are some of the causes of this, and what can we do to fight it? It's certainly not a cure-all, but there's a perspective I found that helped illuminate what may cause a lot of these problems. Stay tuned for Part II.

images via wordpress.com

On Rape Culture, Part II

In part I, I discussed what rape culture means, and how I came to realize it's a real problem. For some further perspective on this, I'd like to talk about an article I read recently that was extremely illuminating to me. It's called Why Nice Guys Finish Last by Julia Serano, and it's one essay in this collection. Those with the unbelievable fortune to know me personally, please ask to borrow it from me. Those less blessed, sit down in a library and read this article. It's all about why the rape culture exists as it does, and tries to push past some of the more obvious reasons that are given. Because it's not online, and therefore I can't link to it, I will instead be quoting and paraphrasing it liberally. Like this.

While there is certainly some truth to the idea that men are socialized to be sexually agressive, even predatory, this is not the only force at work in their lives. Male children and teenagers are also regularly and explicitly reminded that they should be respectful of girls and women, and are often punished severely for picking on, or Playing rough" with, their female peers. Further, the men-are-just-socialized-that-way argument fails to explain the countless men who never sexually abuse or harass women in their lifetime.

This is an important thing to point out for me, because the basic argument of simply saying men are brought up to be the way they are leaves out important facets that she mentions. Her basic theory is that rape culture has created a phenomenon called the predator/prey mindset, in which "men can only ever be viewed as sexual agressors and women as sexual objects." Take the example of women making lewd comments about some guy's ass. While this could easily be considering objectifying, it is not taken that way, not by a man hearing about it, nor by the women making the comments. This is because:

...the predator/prey mindset essentially ensures that men cannot be viewed as legitimate sexual objects, nor can women be viewed as legitimate sexual aggressors. This has the effect of rendering invisible instances of man-on-man and woman-on-woman sexual harassment and abuse, and it makes the idea of woman-on-man rape utterly inconceivable. It's also why women cannot simply "turn the tables" and begin sexualizing men. After all, if a woman were to shout catcalls at a man...her actions would likely be seen as suggestive and slutty, rather than intimidating and predatory.

She then proceeds to talk about the double bind that women are in, constantly being labeled either virgins or whores. This dichotomy is what muddles up the question of sexual liberalization for women. As Julia says, "If a woman embraces her sexuality, it may be personally empowering for her, but she still has to deal with the fact that others will project the 'whore' stereotype onto her and assume that she's inviting male sexualization." This is something I've discussed before, but she brings up an important facet that I hadn't thought of: the analog for men, or, the asshole/nice guy double bind. The predator stereotype paints a specific picture of a male. We all know the guys who make blatant sexist comments, or just downright don't treat women as equals. Even when these guys get taken to task for these things, and are encouraged to not think or act like that, it doesn't seem to do much. This is because of one obvious fact: it continues to get them women. No matter how much people may try to push guys away from acting like this, the assholes of the world have no real incentive to. How many times have you heard the story of the girl who falls for a guy who's clearly a tool, then gets surprised and upset when he breaks up with her, or cheats on her, or generally treats her like shit? Being a bona fide "nice guy" growing up, I heard it all the time from girls who would come to me as their friend.

Typical asshole in his natural environment.

Why was I the friend, and not the romantic interest? Precisely because I was a nice guy. I've heard guys lament about this exact situation more times than I can count. I've gotten explicit advice from personal friends and countless threads on the Internet telling me that the best way to pick up women is to be an asshole. That is, they wouldn't just describe what we've labeled as the asshole of this dichotomy, but they will literally say "You need to be an asshole to women." This is one of the biggest points against the biological argument for the presence of a predator/prey mindset. Even if there is some level of this programmed in, men are certainly taught, implicitly and explicitly, to behave in a manner that fits this mold.

Julia moves on to cover a really basic point that makes a whole lot of sense to me.

Not to sound corny, but we all want the same things in life: to gain other people's attention, to be adored, to be sexually desired, to be intimate with people we find attractive, and to have great sex. In a culture where women are generally viewed as sexual objects, some women will take on that role in order to gain attention and feel desirable. By the same token, in a world where men are only ever viewed as sexual aggressors, some men will take on that role in order to gain attention and feel desirable.

This is really hard to argue with. It almost makes the assholes endearing to us. For a little while, I played the asshole, and I did pretty well with women. Aside from not liking to treat women like that, I realized I didn't like the women who were drawn to those sorts of men. But realistically, it's almost difficult to blame men who perpetuate this mindset, if they, even subconsciously, think it's the only way they'll be able to get attention and/or affection. But while men are occasionally critiqued for preferring women who fulfill the sexual object stereotype, there is no serious criticism made of women who are attracted to the predator type of male. I see guys at parties doing things that easily qualify as sexual harassment that girls just giggle at in response. As long as this behavior continues to get rewarded, there's no reason for men to change it.

Typical nice guy in his natural environment.

I'm making a plea on behalf of men and women everywhere: stop promoting this shit. Men, don't go for women who let themselves be treated like objects, and try and hide their intelligence to avoid scaring off assholes. Women, quit going for assholes. There are nice guys that possess a lot of the good qualities you may see in the assholes, but they won't be, well, assholes. It's the only thing we can do to make a real change in this stuff.

images via wordpress.com and doknowevil.net

Penis Tissue!

We live in the future. Never has this been more clear than now, when we can replace penis erectile tissue to help people with erectile dysfunction. I love science so hard.

P.S. Seriously, I'm really as busy as I say. I'm hoping to get an article up soon, but it's slow-going right now. Forgive me.

Masturbation poses

Spending some time by yourself this week? Here are some new twists on an old favorite. Though I'd like to correct the title from "for the lonely and loveless" to simply "for the self-loving". Enjoy.

Vampires and Gay Dudes

You've probably been wondering like I have why there's such a craze for vampires recently? Well look no further. This guy has figured it all out. Or maybe he's just an idiot. Either way, this is the first of a few links that will hopefully tide you over during my busy week, and while I try and get started on a doozy of an article.

On Our Simian Ancestors

Most of you may know that I'm in college. Though it's rare, sometimes I actually take classes that I want to take. The class I'm about to tell you about was not one of those classes. It was an anthropology course titled The Evolution of Human Sexuality. Though admittedly I didn't know exactly what I expected this course would entail, I certainly was expecting some sexy talk. Maybe some discourse on, say, why the things we have fetishized in our culture (unrealistically large breasts, platinum blonde hair, anything about Paris Hilton) have come about, or a history of sexual revolutions throughout our (or others') culture and the opposition they faced. Instead, I took a course on monkeys. To her credit, my professor was a bonobo researcher, and therefore knew her monkeys quite well. Though I did get some interesting information out of the class, it was by no means what I had hoped for. To save you the money and the time I spent to take this course, I offer you one of the more interesting tidbits I learned from the class.

Another thing I learned was the name of the Sifaka, the animal I want more than anything as a pet.

Assuming you believe in evolution (and if you don't, I would not-particularly-politely urge you to go here and peruse* the related articles), you may know that we have two extremely close ancestors from the monkey world: chimpanzees and bonobos. These are our two closest cousins, and they could not be more different. (The bonobo is not a type of chimpanzee. Do not let Wikipedia tell you otherwise.)

Chimpanzees are, scientifically speaking, total dicks. They are violently patriarchal, run by an alpha male. This male will run hold females down to copulate with them if they do not wish to. He will abuse them if he finds out they have copulated with another male. This applies to nearly every female in the pack. The males patrol the perimeter of their territory, making sure there are no chimps from outside their tribe. If they find an outlying male, they will kill him. If they find a female, they will take her back to their tribe to become the lowest of the social strata among the females. They will also occasionally run raids into other chimpanzees' territories to do the same. They will kill a female's children from a different father in hopes that it will make the female (now needing to mate again to have offspring) mate with them.

Makes you look at all those photos with Jane Goodall a little differently, doesn't it?

Bonobos are - again, scientifically - fucking awesome. They are generally egalitarian but slightly matriarchal. There is virtually no aggression, and when there is, it's resolved by sex. That's right. This species is so advanced, that rather than fight when they're pissed off, they just bone. They also do it to say hello. And to ease tension when they're happy. "But Zach," you ask. "What happens if two males are mad at each other?" Not to fear, dear reader. They bone, too. In fact, there's no known preference between genders for sexual activity. Male-male and female-female encounters are just as common as are male-female. Between two females, it is called GG (genito-genital) rubbing. Between two males, it's penis-fencing. Are you in love with them yet?

It's not just that they have sex for a bunch of reasons, and with everyone. It's also a question of frequency. Bonobos have sex upwards of a dozen times a day. Admittedly, these encounters are shorter than ours. Or at least shorter than mine. They last around 8-10 seconds. If that's about what you clock in, I'm not here to judge. Especially not after Dave professed his own longevity issues. But still! So. Damn. Awesome.

Part of what I find so interesting about this is the huge dichotomy between our two closest relatives. Not to be too philosophical (or perhaps too obvious), but when I first learned about this, it immediately struck me as the two sides of humans.We have the capacity to be egalitarian, to share our food, and to bone everyone we meet. We also have the capacity to beat our spouses and rape people. Hopefully we can try and be more like the bonobos as time goes on. This is why I encourage you to find a friend and get down with them this evening. It only needs to be for 8-10 seconds. Though ideally it will be much, much longer.

*fellow word nerds may know: peruse means "to read thoroughly or carefully", not to skim.

images via outdoorphoto.co.za, smh.com.au

Hot Christian Sex!

Another article is already in the works, so I assure you it won't be as long of a wait as it was last time. But it may be another couple days. In the meantime, I thought I'd show you guys my favorite minister. Admittedly, there aren't many in the running.

Nothing funny to say here. Just a little fan service.

Image via photobucket.com

On Chemical Castration

I'm here today to talk about something we all love: male genitalia.

What, this isn't your memory of what it looks like?

Specifically, I'm here to talk about chemical castration.

Don't be scared, buddy. Unless you're a pederast. Then, yeah, okay. Be scared. Also, the "buddy" comment is withdrawn.

A few weeks ago, Poland passed legislation necessitating chemical castration for pedophiles. I was not aghast, but I was certainly surprised. Pedophiles are the scum of the Earth, sure, but this might be going a little far. That night, I went to a party and, lovely dinner guest that I am, I brought this up with some folks there. A lady there said she was fairly sure that the US already practiced this in some cases. I assured her, presumptuous dinner guest that I am, there would have been more press about it, and certainly some sort of outrage. She, being slightly more polite than I, did not argue the point, and conversation moved on. However, when I came home, I looked into it. As it turns out, Polite Lady From The Party was, in fact, correct. California has the strictest policy, in which a pedophile whose victim was under 13 can get chemically castrated after one offense, and it is mandatory after a second offense. There are at least eight other states with a history of chemical castration as a punitive legal measure.

I was absolutely shocked. Not that we did in the US at all, necessarily, but that I didn't know about it. Being one as interested in the legal system and sex as I am, I figured if I didn't know, the average joe probably doesn't know, either. I know there are plenty of laws in our country that I wish were made public knowledge, but this is the sort of thing I think even apolitical people might have opinions about.

Now, before I go any further, let me talk a bit about definitions, here. Chemical castration is not castration. A man does not lose his equipment. The procedure is not even permanent. In fact, one must get another injection every three months. What they do, at least in the US, is use a birth control drug commonly called Depo-Provera. Its original (and still the more common) use is as a prophylactic for women, also administered every three months. In men, however, it lowers libido to the point where (it is my understanding) they do not get erections. This is certainly quite different from cutting off the penis, or as is sometimes done, the testes. Firstly, it negates the argument of "What if he was wrongly accused?" Certainly three months with no libido is a thing to dread, but obviously there is a difference.

Even with all this said, the concept still gives me pause. My immediate reaction is, do we have the right to take away a man's libido and ability to have sex with someone consensually? This is something that may fall under a curtailing of civil rights. I realize it doesn't say "the right to pop a boner" in the Constitution*, but the issue begs discussion.

On the other hand, I once talked about pedophilia with my dad, who was at one point a parole officer for sex offenders, and he told me his thoughts on recidivism with pedophiles. He made the very reasonable point that he didn't understand how people thought rehabilitation would help them. One can't go to rehabilitation to get over their sexual attraction to, say, blondes. It may be an unhealthy and sick desire, but it's a sexual desire all the same, and those don't usually go away just by wanting them to. Having something that would physically keep the person from committing the same crime, but that allows them to live a somewhat normal life, makes a lot of sense. There's not a lot of information on how the use of Depo-Provera affects recidivism, which is unfortunate. In at least one very recent case, there's a man who is requesting actual castration. Admittedly, he made this plea ten days before his trial, and it could well have been a ploy in hopes to endear himself somewhat to the judge or jury. But all the same, it makes one think: undoubtedly there are people who feel a strong attraction to children and feel bad about it, but don't have any measure of recourse. For some, the ability to take away their sex drive may be seen as liberation.

I think what the issue comes down to for me is whether or not it's actually effective. If it isn't, then it's just unnecessary, and won't gain us anything, other than money spent giving these guys more drugs. If they actually prevent rape in the long-term, then I think I'm for it. It may be a curtailing of rights, but I think you forfeit some rights when you start fucking little kids.

What do you think? Is it ever okay? Just in special circumstances? Should we do it with every rapist? I've given my thoughts, but it's not something I've heard a lot of other opinions on, so please tell me what you think.

*If only. If only.

Images via myspace.com, diyvanovel.wordpress.com

The Effects of Birth Control

I know I haven't updated in a long while. I'm back in school, and it's taking its toll on my free time. Between classwork during the week, and partying like a rockstar Thursday-Sunday, there's only so much time left. I should have one up by the end of the week. In the meantime, read this article. Seriously. It blew my mind.

The Shake Weight

Well folks, I decided to go with the classy post today, and show you the commercial for the new product, the Shake Weight. I really hope you all like it as much as I did.

Al Franken is Superman

For those who hadn't heard, Al Franken may be superman. He had legislation passed yesterday to keep the US Government from making contracts with companies that support the rape of its employees. This is in direct response to KBR (at the time a subsidiary of Halliburton) invoking a fine-print clause in a contract to keeping a woman who was drugged and gang-raped from seeking legal recourse against KBR, Halliburton, or the men responsible. When she attempted to talk to anyone about it, she was locked in a shipping container with an armed guard watching it. How this was allowed in any way is completely beyond me, but at least we have someone in our government working against this sort of thing. You can read a bit more about it (and watch the video of his speech) here.

Hopefully this isn't just a fanciful image, but an artist's recreation of what happened on the senate floor yesterday.

Image via faithmouse.com

On Dirty Talk

Dirty talk is interesting to me. I've talked to a lot of people about their thoughts, and gotten mixed reviews. Some people say, "It's weird", or "It's silly". And yet, someone must enjoy it, because the girls in porn seem to do it non-stop. Even if the scene is about a cute little babysitter, as soon as the clothes come off, she's saying words I won't even say in public. Alright, well, I probably will. And do. But still, it gets pretty filthy. Now for me, this type of dirty talk isn't an outright turn-off, but I don't fully understand the point of it. When a girl says to me "Fuck my little pussy with your hard cock!", the first thing that comes into my mind isn't elation while I think "Damn that's hot!", it's confusion while I think "But...isn't that what I'm already doing?"

This girl, on the other hand - I'm sure she's got something hot to say. Or maybe she's just wiping off some of her creepy lipstick on his ear. Either way, it's a win-win.

This isn't to say I don't like it when the girl talks - far from it. But for me, it's down more utilitarian lines: what feels good, etc. Likewise, I'm perfectly ready to tell a partner she looks (or feels, or smells) great if it occurs to me to say and it's true, but am less likely to say...hmm. Maybe that's part of the problem. What does one even say? I think if I were really to try and jump into it, I wouldn't fare much better than our good friend Seinfeld. All of my examples of male dirty talk come from porn, and they all tend to have a certain flavor to them that I don't really like. Neither does Ms. Naughty, as it turns out, and she talks about it here. She talks about why she hates words like "slut", "whore", and "bitch" in porn. The answer is, quite simply, the terms are offensive. The twist is that some girls enjoy this type of talk, and don't think that the words are degrading to use at all. Another case of taking the term back, I suspect. But, Ms. Naughty argues, the terms still have plenty of their original meaning left over, and to use them freely in porn is mainly degrading, and doesn't really help arouse her. This is something I agree with. I necessarily feel fondly towards the women with whom I'm romantically involved, and don't wish to call them names like this.

This entire topic, of course, precludes roleplaying. It goes without saying that there will be a difference in dialogue when you're playing a character. This goes doubly for the usage of these terms. Things that would otherwise seem inappropriate are completely fair game when roleplaying. This is, no doubt, part of the appeal for a lot of people.

After having asked a handful of people about this subject, one thing I've run into a few times is the interest in hearing the dirty talk, but not really wanting to participate. This is interesting to me. In this case, it's clearly not that they're against the concept of dirty talk. Instead, it could be a range of issues. One I've heard was simply "It feels awkward, unnatural." Sure, that seems fair. But I think in a lot of cases, it's people just not knowing what to say, or feeling embarrassed about what the other person might think. The thing is, though, a pretty high percentage of people, both male and female, that I've talked to said they like it when their partner does it. I know it's easy to be worried about saying the wrong thing and making a hot moment tepid. This is one more place where I would, shockingly, encourage lots of communication with your partner. Try out some new words and phrases in bed. After the afterglow, see what they think! Hopefully your partner isn't judgmental anyway, but when one's really turned on, one hardly sweats the petty things.

I think I sort of fit into this category. It's not that I'm opposed to the idea of saying (or hearing) hot things in the bedroom, I just have very little idea of what this might be. Admittedly, I probably say more in the moment than I really remember afterwards, but I know I'm not a master of the dirty talk. What I do know, though, is sometimes the right words can make a world of difference. I remember sleeping with a girl, and weeks afterwards remembering very few details of the sex itself, but still getting goosebumps when I remembered what she said during it. So guys, ladies: step outside your comfort zones. Try that shit out. You might enjoy it. If you need ideas, feel free to check out a previous post of mine. Just try not to talk like the people in porn. It's just kinda weird.

Seriously. Guaranteed this girl is about to say some stupid shit.

Images via collegecandy.com and comicssmackdown.com

Alright kids. It's a new month, and I've got a couple questions for you.

You've seen a couple interviews now, so you sort of get how they're formatted. Are there other questions you'd like to hear me ask people? Are there certain topics that I've not covered that you're interested in? This goes for the blog in general, too: What are some sexy topics that you want to read about?

I have a second question. Since day one I've been struggling with the decision to put naked people in the blog. Not as its own feature, but, if my fancy strikes me, posting NSFW (Not Safe For Work) pictures and links. What do you guys think? I certainly talk about NSFW stuff, but never post any explicit pictures, or even link to much that's explicit. How do you feel about me adding this in? Do you read this at work, and wouldn't continue to if you couldn't? Have you been desperately waiting for me to ask you this so you could say "yes, please, more nudity and sex!"? These are the things I want to know.

Just think of me as this guy. Rugged, handsome, and patiently awaiting your replies.

The Vice Guide to Sex

VBS.TV is an amazing site. It's full of talented and creative people making documentaries just for this site. Needless to say, my favorite section is the sex section. They have some truly amazing documentaries on here. The asses of the Caribbean may be my favorite, but I would seriously recommend checking out all of these. Enjoy.

http://www.vbs.tv/watch/the-vice-guide-to-sex

Interviews, Take 3: The Illustrious Claire

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