I generally talk about sex on this blog like it's something that everyone wants to do all the time and always has a good time doing it. I know i'm guilty of it, but it's just how I like to think about sex. In my perfect world, everyone has lots of good sex all the time. But it's of course true that even when one has the option of having sex, even when it's someone you really care about, not everyone always wants to. Lack of sexual desire is extremely common, in fact. There are extremes of this (this NY Times article comes to mind), but people can struggle with it in smaller ways, too. In fact, one of the most common sexual problems couples face is a disparity in how frequently they want to have sex. It can be easy to write off as a natural and hopeless disparity between the sexes (though this problem is by NO means always gender-dictated), but this can be a very difficult problem for both parties. For the one interested in more sex, it can make them feel unwanted or unloved, or at the very least underappreciated. For the one wanting sex less frequently, they can feel pressured and uncomfortable, which will only make them feel even less horny. So what does one do about this, exactly? Blogger Greta Christina has more than a few thoughts on this that she has shared over many blog entries. These, combined with some other blogs and my own thoughts will hopefully give you a new outlook on the concept.
The first thing I'd like to cover is the idea of wanting sex in the first place. One way Greta talks about this is through the analogy of food, which I find extremely helpful. There are two basic ways one wants food. There’s the “Ohmygod I need to eat right this second” type, and there's the “I’d really like to have a good steak sometime soon. Maybe I should go get a nice cut this weekend” type. Both are inarguably still about wanting food, they just feel a lot different. Just because you don't have an uncontrollable physical urge on a regular basis doesn't necessarily mean that you don't want sex. Now, this is probably a slightly different way of looking at wanting sex, but that is, at least in part, due to the way sex is always portrayed in the media.
Then again, maybe this just doesn't sound like a stretch because this already looks like sex to me.
The only way we see romantic sex is when both parties are spontaneously overcome with desire, and are no longer capable of holding themselves back any longer. Greta calls this the "swept away" myth, and thinks it's symptomatic of a culture that needs to hide behind an altered, very emotional state to have sex be morally justifiable. That may have some truth to it, but I'm not sure how one judges that sort of thing. More importantly for this post, however, is that's it's a dumb myth, and it's harmful. As Greta said,
The "swept away" myth of spontaneity seriously limits your opportunities to learn about sex; to learn more about your partners desires and your own; to expand your sexual repertoire. It limits the kinds of sex you can have: if planning for sex ruins it, that pretty much rules out the acquisition of sex toys. Not to mention sex education materials, or smut, or birth control. And -- especially if your life is stressful and overbooked, or you're getting older and the spontaneous urge to boff is diminishing -- it limits your sex life in the most blunt and obvious way... namely, how often you have it.
I know I've talked about it before, but it's worth mentioning again: talking about things with your partner doesn't have to make your sex any less sexy.
You, the skeptical reader, are thinking "Alright Zach, you ridiculously handsome young man (this is when you wink at me), we get it, you can talk about sex, and sex is like food, but what does that mean? What can I do about the fact that I still don't want to have sex as often as my partner (or vice versa)?" The aforementioned blogger is a huge proponent of a rather unpopular option: scheduling sex. This, on the face of it, does not sound particularly romantic. But there are a lot of reasons why it may not be a terrible idea. First of all, there is the aforementioned swept away myth. Like a good meal, just because you know you're going to have sex one night doesn't mean it can't still be great.
Besides, wouldn't it be nice to see "SEX!" thrown in on some days of your planner?
In fact, this brings me to one of the most important concepts she brings up on the subject: you don't have to want to have sex all the time, you just have to be willing to want to. It's perfectly conceivable that if you plan a night of romance in advance, one or both parties won't be in the mood immediately when the time comes. Just because you're not having urges right that second to jump your partner doesn't mean that all hope is lost. Especially if one partner is already in the mood, they can help get the ball rolling by doing things that turn the other one on. Just beginning to go through the familiar parts of foreplay can have a huge impact. Though I'm not exactly the poster child for waning sexual desire, this is something that has certainly come up for me. I've not always been in the mood when my partner first initiates. At the end, though, I have NEVER been unhappy with my choice to have sex.
This doesn't just apply for couples trying to schedule sex. If your partner tries to get down and you're not in the mood, do you try and get into it with them, or do you just get annoyed? If you're closed off to the idea that you could eventually get in the mood, then it's never going to happen. However, if your partner is patient and you're open to getting turned on, then you might be surprised at what you feel a short while later.
Greta mentions a few other ways to deal with desire disparity in one particular post that, in the interest of being fairly comprehensive, I'll share as well. The first of these is to rethink your sexual encounters altogether. If one person is constantly looking or sex but the other party isn't particularly interested, maybe there are other sexy things you could do together. You could try mutual masturbation, watching porn, reading dirty lit, or any number of other possibilities. It's not a cure-all, but it's important to remember that there are lots of sexy things that might sate some of your desires. Next on the list was thinking about when you want to have sex, during the day and in the week. Thinking about when you want to have sex and when you feel drained may help you realize that it’s not that you don’t want to have sex, it’s that your partner only wants to have sex at times when you’re not up for it. This is another place in which scheduling can come in handy. Next was, simply put, compromise. This is self-explanatory and certainly not ideal, but may at some point be necessary. The next is trying an open relationship. This is certainly a slightly more controversial option, but she makes a valid point: if it is a big enough deal that you’re considering breaking up over it, the worst that could happen is that it doesn’t work out, and you still break up. I’m extremely interested in the concept of open relationships and hope to talk about them more in the future, but safe to say that this is no necessarily an obvious option for most couples, but could be a great idea for some: there are many couples who are extremely happy with becoming open even though they were originally skeptical about it.
Guys, just don't expect it to look like this.
Finally, there is couples’ counseling. There are trained professionals who can help people through their problems, and rest assured: desire disparity is a common one. No couple is the same though, and having a professional to help you through it can be of great assistance.
This is obviously not the end-all guide to the issue, but I know it's a common problem, and I'd like to get a discussion on the topic rolling. Hopefully this can be a jumping off point for dealing with the issue, or at least getting people to talk about the issue at all. If anyone has come across the problem and has other solutions, I'd be terribly interested to read them.
images via closetcooking.blogspot.com, pheromones-report.com, genisisunit.com
