On the Penis

Readers, I've done a terrible thing. In a post last month, I promised you that I would write my next article about why guys fuck their girlfriends harder when they haven't seen them in a while. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter I finally got the inspiration/courage to write an article I had been wanting to write for a long time. I'm here now to bring you the promised article. It is about the penis, and its role. You know the most obvious part: it's for fuckin'. But why does it look like it does? I'm here today to talk to you about penis morphology.

No, damnit. Not them. Get your head back in the gutter.

There are a couple basic things that separate the human penis from other primates'. The first of these is the size. Ladies, take note: your man is hung. No, I haven't seen it, don't worry. But if he's human, he's doing alright. Orangutans, chimpanzees and gorillas all have penises that are much smaller in comparison to their body size.[1] Dudes in the audience, please take this moment to give yourselves a high five. This is most likely due to the fact that chances of conception are increased dramatically when sperm is deposited all the way back at the cervix.

Unfortunately, we have absolutely nothing on elephants. Yes, that's what you think it is.

There's a little side note that I'd like to share with you, as it absolutely blew my mind the first time I heard about it. It's related in that it's still evolutionary biology, but no longer about penis morphology. I'm pretty sure you can handle the tangent, though, especially if you've ever had a conversation with me in person. Anyway: when a woman orgasms, her cervix convulses, moving back and forth. While this is not agreed upon by the entire scientific community, it seems that if there is semen already deposited in the vagina (especially if it's back near the cervix), these convulsions make the cervix come down and pick up some of the semen, in a process known as "upsuck". How rad, I ask you, is that?

The other thing[2] humans have that no other species has is a glans. You know, the little mushroom at the top? Specifically, we have the coronal ridge, which is the part that juts out a little further than the rest of the penis. To figure out the reason for this ridge, we have to remember that as much as we like to pretend that humans are an entirely monogamous species, a lot of evolutionary biology is about beating out not just other suitors, but other partners. It turns out that our best guess as to why humans developed the coronal ridge is for using the penis as a "semen displacement device". See, for up to 48 hours after sex, semen can stay inside a woman. Say it's Wednesday, and Jane has sex. If she starts ovulating on Friday, she could still get pregnant from the sex she had with John on Wednesday. However, If Zach[3] comes along on Thursday and has sex with Jane, he can get the rest of John's remaining semen out of the way, and put his own in its place. Untestable, you say? Maybe before the porn industry. But now we have molds of all sorts of people's manparts and ladyparts. And that's just what the scientists used. By making a batch of fake semen[4], and using a couple dildos as well as a dildo without a coronal ridge at all, they found that the glans really does make a huge difference in getting the semen out of a vagina.[5]

Other than the ridge, the other factor in amount of semen displaced was how deep the penis goes in. This is where things get interesting to me.[6] The harder the male thrusts and the deeper he goes, the more likely the semen will be displaced. This got the researchers thinking, and it led to them making a survey they gave to college students asking them about their fucking habits. Probably not in those words. They're better with words than I am, I'm sure. In fact, I'm going to actually just use a quote directly from the Scientific American, as they put it pretty concisely.

In the first of these anonymous questionnaires, both men and women reported that, in the wake of allegations of female cheating, men thrust deeper and faster. Results from a second questionnaire revealed that, upon first being sexually reunited after time apart, couples engaged in more vigorous sex—namely, compared to baseline sexual activity where couples see other more regularly, vaginal intercourse following periods of separation involve deeper and quicker thrusting.

Anyone else's mind as blown as mine was? When men feel like there's a chance that their partner may have been unfaithful, they unconsciously have sex in a way that will keep the woman from getting pregnant from someone else. Who knew?

Well that's all I've got for now. I won't make the mistake of promising you a topic for next time. Instead, how about YOU tell me what YOU want to hear ME write about? Leave a suggestion in the comments!

1.We also last a lot longer. For other primates, sex usually lasts under 30 seconds, often under ten.

2. Well, I suppose there are a bunch of things. But in terms of penises, the differences are somewhat fewer.

3. What? Names were chosen at random.

4. For you budding sex chefs out there, the recipe used was: 0.08 cups of sifted, white, unbleached flour mixed with 1.06 cups of water. Bring to a boil, simmer for 15 minutes while being stirred, then allow to cool.

5. You do not have my permission to start referring to penises as "God's plunger".

6. Alright, let's be honest. More interesting. This stuff is already like crack to me.

images via wordpress.com and theage.com.au

TeleEroticist

I'm not a huge fan of twitter as entertainment. During the Iranian post-election protests, it was one of the best ways to get out important information quickly. Ditto for the Tienamen Square riots in China. However, as merely a method of looking at things that people say for fun, it's never really been my bag.

This was before TeleEroticist.

I've only been looking at a few posts, and she's only been on for about a week now, so I'm not going to become a convert or anything, but reading through things that a phone sex operator says about her job is terribly interesting to me. Give it a look.

Best Sex Writing 2010

Last night I went to a reading of a compilation called Best Sex Writing 2010. The editor of this collection has many other collections she's edited, including collections of BDSM stories and voyeuristic stories. She's also edited more than a handful of collections of erotica. Clearly, this is my kind of gal. Not to mention she looks like this:

This photos was on the front of postcards being given out at the event. Postcards, people.

Some contributors read some of their own pieces, including Janet Hardy, whose mere three page reading left me [1] short of breath, moved, and incredibly turned on. Finally, there was a piece read by Kerry Cohen, though it was originally written under a pseudonym, as it was piece about her plan to cheat on her husband.[2]It left me in a similar state, but with the added tension of hearing such a personal tale - as well as such a personal life decision - from the reader, and then going to talk to her afterwards.

Now, I realize that you all may not recognize books like the Ethical Slut, Loose Girl, or the name Rachel Kramer Bussel. However, being someone who seeks out this kind of literature, these are some pretty large names. Not only getting to see them in person and hear them read some extremely powerful literature of theirs, getting to talk to them afterwards[3] made me realize something that for some reason I hadn't before. Something about only hearing these women through either blogs or books, I somehow thought that they wouldn't be so friendly and open about these topics in public. Now, knowing that I love talking about these things with strangers and I haven't even made a career out of it, I shouldn't be too surprised.

This photo from a media event should have also given me an indication she wasn't too shy.[4]

I guess I'm trying to get across a few different things.

1. I don't think my interest in sex was waning, but this reading has certainly gotten it waxing. (get it?) And with this book now in my possession, hopefully I'll get some more interesting articles up soon.

2. You should pick up Best Sex Writing 2010. It's informative, it's hot, and it's written by some really great people whom you should feel good about supporting. In essence, every piece in there is what I shoot for in my writing.[5]

3. Remember that a lot of the time, strangers like talking about the same sorts of things you do, and don't mind dispensing with small talk. Next time you meet someone and you feel like talking about butt plugs? Try it on for size.[6] They might be into it.

1. Or, at least me. And the lady I was with. But really, probably the whole room.

2. She explained that her husband now knows about the essay and by the time it had gone to publication, she would have been okay with using her real name. I'm not on a personal campaign to out her or anything.

3. As terse and bumbling as I was, as they are a young sex bloggers...Backstreet Boys? What do the kids listen to these days?

4. I realize the pictures already give you a good indication, but she really is a sight in person. I was already having a tough time watching her walk back and forth, box of Voodoo Doughnuts in hand, when my friend points out matching finger sized bruises on each of her thighs. It was pretty rough.

5. Except I'm not, for example a gay male escort in San Francisco[6], so I couldn't even if I wanted to.

6. Yet.

7. Pun only kind of intended.

On the Definition of Sex and the Coital Imperative

One of my favorite games with a group of people I don't know too well is ten fingers. I'm sure you've all played it: you go around the group saying things you haven't done, and if someone else has, they put down a finger. As you might expect, whenever I play this game, sex is a major theme. There are a lot of "I Nevers" like Never had sex in an elevator (in this case, my finger stays up), Never had sex more than twice in a day (finger goes down), and Never had sex on Air Force One (obviously, finger goes down). When you happen to be playing with all straight people, these questions are often considered easy to answer, because we assume sex means PIV*. However, the first time you play this game with bisexual or gay folks, you realize you need to change your definition a bit. But what do we change it to? Do we just open it up to including oral sex? How about anal?

How about.....THIS???

One important question is whether we even need a universal definition. Admittedly, I'm not 100% convinced we do. To avoid confusion in my own life, I always just explain things fully. If I want to convey that I went down on a girl, I'll probably say that I went down on her, rather than leaving it up to saying that we had sex. However, not everyone cares to be so explicit. And there are plenty of times when any real explanation isn't called for at all.

Something I've noticed, though, is that it seems like an official definition only seems to be important when we're trying to be judgmental about sex. The first thing that comes to mind is the Numbers Question. If someone has had PIV sex with 3 people, but had oral sex with 20, how do they respond to the question "How many people have you had sex with?" Are they being dishonest if they give either of those answers? Should they feel required to say both, and explain them? These things are obviously situational, but it's clear how much of a difference a common definition can make.

Even more important than the Numbers Question is the worry of virginity. If someone is worried about not having sex until it's with someone they love or until they're married, it's good to know exactly what that means. For some people, I know that's included oral sex. I know some women, however, who understood sex to mean PIV so clearly that they started out having anal sex to maintain their virginity. This, to me, is ludicrous. But this goes to show that I have a different definition of what sex is than some people.

I'm not planning on proffering a universal definition here. I am, however, interested in this being a thing that people talk about occasionally. I personally think that using PIV sex as the only way to define sex is something people use as a scapegoat in both situations. Now, let me say that intercourse is definitely different in some ways than other kinds of sex, as all kinds are different, and for many people it's more important, intimate, or what ever else. However, to put it on a completely different plane doesn't always seem fair to me. If you're not sleeping with someone just to keep your numbers down, what's the reason for keeping your number low? What do you gain by abstaining from one particular sexual act in order to say you've only had sex with a certain number of people? If you're deciding to remain a virgin for some reason, what are the reasons you're doing it? Is everything other than PIV really okay, and just PIV isn't?

Not only does treating PIV as the only "real" kind of sex cheapen same-sex sex, but it also starts to dictate a certain way hetero sex has to go to actually "count".

No, damnit. Not that Count. While he's there, though, this always makes me giggle.

This brings me to my next topic: the coital imperative. It's supposedly common knowledge that all men hate wearing condoms, but I read an article a while back about why condoms are no fun for women, either. It's something I had never really thought about. Other than the obvious fact that skin is a more pleasurable feeling than rubber to most people, I hadn't ever really thought about the problem with condoms for women. A major problem with them, however, is that they can set up a narrative for how sex goes. There can be foreplay, but at some point, the condom goes on. Then it's penis in vagina until the man comes, then it's over. There are certainly exceptions to this, but it's no doubt a familiar scenario. Oral sex performed on a male doesn't feel as good with a condom on, nor does it taste very good.** Once you've had sex, oral sex on the woman will taste like rubber too, and is therefore less likely to happen as well. On top of this, proper condom usage dictates that men take off their condoms while they're still erect , so there can't be the snuggling directly after coitus that can be an essential part for a lot of people.

Awww yeah. Sexy, sexy, post-coital snuggling.

You realize, of course, I'm not trying to talk you out of wearing condoms. They're a good (though less reliable than many) form of birth control, and one of the only options available for casual partners. It brings up an interesting point, though, which is that this seems to be the narrative of sex regardless of the condom usage. The biggest problem with the condom is that it helps along and justifies this narrative. Even with condoms, people should still see if they can break out of this mold.*** At Planned Parenthood (find the one nearest you here), their own condoms are free, and they sell name brands at 10 for $1. It's not like you can't toss one off after having sex for a while, make out, then go back to sex later. That's just one example, though! Experiment!

Possibly the larger problem is that this is just simply what people think of as sex: penis in vagina until the guy orgasms. I know even I'm guilty of this. I've had sex where only I come, where only the girl comes, where we both come, and where neither of us come. This is all obviously sex, but unless I catch myself, I sometimes think of only the times where I came as actually "counting". Now, for me this only comes up in completely frivolous, how-many-times-did-we-do-it-yesterday sort of ways, but the fact that my mind still jumps to thinking this way is troubling.

What do you all think? How do you define sex? Do you find yourself getting stuck in the rut of the coital imperative?



*Yes, Penis-In-Vagina. And yes, this term does get used in the literature. I'm not making it up to seem cool. But it's hard to complain about sexy acronyms.

**Unless you dig the taste of rubber, in which case, well, go you.

***That is, if either party is unhappy with the arrangement. I'm not trying to tell you how to have sex if you're happy, but variety rarely hurts.


images via collegecandy.com, thrublurryeyes.com, almightyray.com

Duck Penis

Hey all. I'm on a trip into Berkeley, CA for a few days, and won't be able to post for a little bit longer. Know that I have a couple articles in the works. In the meantime? Here's what a duck penis looks like.

Eversion in air: from blogs.discovermagazine.com/loom from Carl Zimmer on Vimeo.

The Bible Just Got Awesomer

It turns out the correct translation of the book of Genesis may involve Eve having been made from Adam's penis. Anyone else as excited as I am?