On the Penis

Readers, I've done a terrible thing. In a post last month, I promised you that I would write my next article about why guys fuck their girlfriends harder when they haven't seen them in a while. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter I finally got the inspiration/courage to write an article I had been wanting to write for a long time. I'm here now to bring you the promised article. It is about the penis, and its role. You know the most obvious part: it's for fuckin'. But why does it look like it does? I'm here today to talk to you about penis morphology.

No, damnit. Not them. Get your head back in the gutter.

There are a couple basic things that separate the human penis from other primates'. The first of these is the size. Ladies, take note: your man is hung. No, I haven't seen it, don't worry. But if he's human, he's doing alright. Orangutans, chimpanzees and gorillas all have penises that are much smaller in comparison to their body size.[1] Dudes in the audience, please take this moment to give yourselves a high five. This is most likely due to the fact that chances of conception are increased dramatically when sperm is deposited all the way back at the cervix.

Unfortunately, we have absolutely nothing on elephants. Yes, that's what you think it is.

There's a little side note that I'd like to share with you, as it absolutely blew my mind the first time I heard about it. It's related in that it's still evolutionary biology, but no longer about penis morphology. I'm pretty sure you can handle the tangent, though, especially if you've ever had a conversation with me in person. Anyway: when a woman orgasms, her cervix convulses, moving back and forth. While this is not agreed upon by the entire scientific community, it seems that if there is semen already deposited in the vagina (especially if it's back near the cervix), these convulsions make the cervix come down and pick up some of the semen, in a process known as "upsuck". How rad, I ask you, is that?

The other thing[2] humans have that no other species has is a glans. You know, the little mushroom at the top? Specifically, we have the coronal ridge, which is the part that juts out a little further than the rest of the penis. To figure out the reason for this ridge, we have to remember that as much as we like to pretend that humans are an entirely monogamous species, a lot of evolutionary biology is about beating out not just other suitors, but other partners. It turns out that our best guess as to why humans developed the coronal ridge is for using the penis as a "semen displacement device". See, for up to 48 hours after sex, semen can stay inside a woman. Say it's Wednesday, and Jane has sex. If she starts ovulating on Friday, she could still get pregnant from the sex she had with John on Wednesday. However, If Zach[3] comes along on Thursday and has sex with Jane, he can get the rest of John's remaining semen out of the way, and put his own in its place. Untestable, you say? Maybe before the porn industry. But now we have molds of all sorts of people's manparts and ladyparts. And that's just what the scientists used. By making a batch of fake semen[4], and using a couple dildos as well as a dildo without a coronal ridge at all, they found that the glans really does make a huge difference in getting the semen out of a vagina.[5]

Other than the ridge, the other factor in amount of semen displaced was how deep the penis goes in. This is where things get interesting to me.[6] The harder the male thrusts and the deeper he goes, the more likely the semen will be displaced. This got the researchers thinking, and it led to them making a survey they gave to college students asking them about their fucking habits. Probably not in those words. They're better with words than I am, I'm sure. In fact, I'm going to actually just use a quote directly from the Scientific American, as they put it pretty concisely.

In the first of these anonymous questionnaires, both men and women reported that, in the wake of allegations of female cheating, men thrust deeper and faster. Results from a second questionnaire revealed that, upon first being sexually reunited after time apart, couples engaged in more vigorous sex—namely, compared to baseline sexual activity where couples see other more regularly, vaginal intercourse following periods of separation involve deeper and quicker thrusting.

Anyone else's mind as blown as mine was? When men feel like there's a chance that their partner may have been unfaithful, they unconsciously have sex in a way that will keep the woman from getting pregnant from someone else. Who knew?

Well that's all I've got for now. I won't make the mistake of promising you a topic for next time. Instead, how about YOU tell me what YOU want to hear ME write about? Leave a suggestion in the comments!

1.We also last a lot longer. For other primates, sex usually lasts under 30 seconds, often under ten.

2. Well, I suppose there are a bunch of things. But in terms of penises, the differences are somewhat fewer.

3. What? Names were chosen at random.

4. For you budding sex chefs out there, the recipe used was: 0.08 cups of sifted, white, unbleached flour mixed with 1.06 cups of water. Bring to a boil, simmer for 15 minutes while being stirred, then allow to cool.

5. You do not have my permission to start referring to penises as "God's plunger".

6. Alright, let's be honest. More interesting. This stuff is already like crack to me.

images via wordpress.com and theage.com.au