Twitter, of all things.

Dear readers, I have succumbed. I am now on twitter. I plan on using it chiefly for links that I don't have much analysis to add, but still think are worth reading. So if you want a some sex-related articles to read during your lunchbreak, feel free to check me out here. Hope you enjoy.

On Wanting to Want

I generally talk about sex on this blog like it's something that everyone wants to do all the time and always has a good time doing it. I know i'm guilty of it, but it's just how I like to think about sex. In my perfect world, everyone has lots of good sex all the time. But it's of course true that even when one has the option of having sex, even when it's someone you really care about, not everyone always wants to. Lack of sexual desire is extremely common, in fact. There are extremes of this (this NY Times article comes to mind), but people can struggle with it in smaller ways, too. In fact, one of the most common sexual problems couples face is a disparity in how frequently they want to have sex. It can be easy to write off as a natural and hopeless disparity between the sexes (though this problem is by NO means always gender-dictated), but this can be a very difficult problem for both parties. For the one interested in more sex, it can make them feel unwanted or unloved, or at the very least underappreciated. For the one wanting sex less frequently, they can feel pressured and uncomfortable, which will only make them feel even less horny. So what does one do about this, exactly? Blogger Greta Christina has more than a few thoughts on this that she has shared over many blog entries. These, combined with some other blogs and my own thoughts will hopefully give you a new outlook on the concept.

The first thing I'd like to cover is the idea of wanting sex in the first place. One way Greta talks about this is through the analogy of food, which I find extremely helpful. There are two basic ways one wants food. There’s the “Ohmygod I need to eat right this second” type, and there's the “I’d really like to have a good steak sometime soon. Maybe I should go get a nice cut this weekend” type. Both are inarguably still about wanting food, they just feel a lot different. Just because you don't have an uncontrollable physical urge on a regular basis doesn't necessarily mean that you don't want sex. Now, this is probably a slightly different way of looking at wanting sex, but that is, at least in part, due to the way sex is always portrayed in the media.

Then again, maybe this just doesn't sound like a stretch because this already looks like sex to me.

The only way we see romantic sex is when both parties are spontaneously overcome with desire, and are no longer capable of holding themselves back any longer. Greta calls this the "swept away" myth, and thinks it's symptomatic of a culture that needs to hide behind an altered, very emotional state to have sex be morally justifiable. That may have some truth to it, but I'm not sure how one judges that sort of thing. More importantly for this post, however, is that's it's a dumb myth, and it's harmful. As Greta said,

The "swept away" myth of spontaneity seriously limits your opportunities to learn about sex; to learn more about your partners desires and your own; to expand your sexual repertoire. It limits the kinds of sex you can have: if planning for sex ruins it, that pretty much rules out the acquisition of sex toys. Not to mention sex education materials, or smut, or birth control. And -- especially if your life is stressful and overbooked, or you're getting older and the spontaneous urge to boff is diminishing -- it limits your sex life in the most blunt and obvious way... namely, how often you have it.

I know I've talked about it before, but it's worth mentioning again: talking about things with your partner doesn't have to make your sex any less sexy.

You, the skeptical reader, are thinking "Alright Zach, you ridiculously handsome young man (this is when you wink at me), we get it, you can talk about sex, and sex is like food, but what does that mean? What can I do about the fact that I still don't want to have sex as often as my partner (or vice versa)?" The aforementioned blogger is a huge proponent of a rather unpopular option: scheduling sex. This, on the face of it, does not sound particularly romantic. But there are a lot of reasons why it may not be a terrible idea. First of all, there is the aforementioned swept away myth. Like a good meal, just because you know you're going to have sex one night doesn't mean it can't still be great.

Besides, wouldn't it be nice to see "SEX!" thrown in on some days of your planner?

In fact, this brings me to one of the most important concepts she brings up on the subject: you don't have to want to have sex all the time, you just have to be willing to want to. It's perfectly conceivable that if you plan a night of romance in advance, one or both parties won't be in the mood immediately when the time comes. Just because you're not having urges right that second to jump your partner doesn't mean that all hope is lost. Especially if one partner is already in the mood, they can help get the ball rolling by doing things that turn the other one on. Just beginning to go through the familiar parts of foreplay can have a huge impact. Though I'm not exactly the poster child for waning sexual desire, this is something that has certainly come up for me. I've not always been in the mood when my partner first initiates. At the end, though, I have NEVER been unhappy with my choice to have sex.

This doesn't just apply for couples trying to schedule sex. If your partner tries to get down and you're not in the mood, do you try and get into it with them, or do you just get annoyed? If you're closed off to the idea that you could eventually get in the mood, then it's never going to happen. However, if your partner is patient and you're open to getting turned on, then you might be surprised at what you feel a short while later.

Greta mentions a few other ways to deal with desire disparity in one particular post that, in the interest of being fairly comprehensive, I'll share as well. The first of these is to rethink your sexual encounters altogether. If one person is constantly looking or sex but the other party isn't particularly interested, maybe there are other sexy things you could do together. You could try mutual masturbation, watching porn, reading dirty lit, or any number of other possibilities. It's not a cure-all, but it's important to remember that there are lots of sexy things that might sate some of your desires. Next on the list was thinking about when you want to have sex, during the day and in the week. Thinking about when you want to have sex and when you feel drained may help you realize that it’s not that you don’t want to have sex, it’s that your partner only wants to have sex at times when you’re not up for it. This is another place in which scheduling can come in handy. Next was, simply put, compromise. This is self-explanatory and certainly not ideal, but may at some point be necessary. The next is trying an open relationship. This is certainly a slightly more controversial option, but she makes a valid point: if it is a big enough deal that you’re considering breaking up over it, the worst that could happen is that it doesn’t work out, and you still break up. I’m extremely interested in the concept of open relationships and hope to talk about them more in the future, but safe to say that this is no necessarily an obvious option for most couples, but could be a great idea for some: there are many couples who are extremely happy with becoming open even though they were originally skeptical about it.

Guys, just don't expect it to look like this.

Finally, there is couples’ counseling. There are trained professionals who can help people through their problems, and rest assured: desire disparity is a common one. No couple is the same though, and having a professional to help you through it can be of great assistance.

This is obviously not the end-all guide to the issue, but I know it's a common problem, and I'd like to get a discussion on the topic rolling. Hopefully this can be a jumping off point for dealing with the issue, or at least getting people to talk about the issue at all. If anyone has come across the problem and has other solutions, I'd be terribly interested to read them.

images via closetcooking.blogspot.com, pheromones-report.com, genisisunit.com

Harvard Reads My Blog

Alright, when I decided that Indiana University reads my blog, it may have just been coincidence. But this time I'm pretty sure: Harvard reads my blog. They had a conference this weekend called Rethinking Virginity, and it's all about the power of words like slut and virgin, and how the concept of virginity is a lot more malleable than we may have originally thought. Sound familiar? There's a set of articles from various speakers discussing their panels here.

Condoms and Porn!

I'm still in Europe for another week, but I might as well keep you all a LITTLE entertained while I'm gone. This is a PSA reminding you to not be overly generous when picking your condom size, as it actually can have some negative repercussions. And this is an article about a church group offering an support group for porn addiction. Of course if anyone has a legitimate addiction, I applaud efforts to help people through them. You'll notice, though, a sneaky little sentence added in there: "The programs at Ms. Renaud’s group and at XXX Church diverge from secular sexual theory by treating masturbation and arousal as sins rather than elements of healthy sexuality." (emphasis added). Wait a minute. masturbation I'm used to hearing as not allowed. I don't understand it or agree with it, but I'm used to it. Now arousal is on the list? The Christians are really going crazy with this stuff now.

I'll be back soon with a fresh start. What do you all want to read about?

Kids Don't Know About Contraception

Sorry it's been so long since I've posted, folks. I'm doing a tour through Europe at the moment, and haven't had a lot of time to think about the heady (no pun intended) aspects of sex. To remind you all how important learning about sex is, though, I bring you this article on how kids today don't know what contraception does for them at all. Let this be a lesson to you all.

Are We Having Sex Now?

Alas, dear readers, I have finally found it. This is an old (as in almost twenty years old) article that was what made me want to write this post. I knew I had seen it on the web somewhere, but couldn't find it for the life of me when I wrote the post. Here it is. She doesn't cover any widely different territory than what I wrote about, but she paints a vivid picture about the confusion of it, and offers her own opinions, which I found fascinating. Hope you like it.

Indiana University Read My Blog

Or, you know, had already been thinking about this. Either way, they recently did a study in which they asked a whole bunch of folks "Would you say you 'had sex' with someone if the most intimate behavior you engaged in was ...," then gave fourteen different options. Some of the most interesting findings? Somehow only 95% of the participants consider penis-in-vagina intercourse to be sex. And, in a nod to my bit about coital imperative, that number drops to 89% if the man doesn't ejaculate. And men in the oldest test group, aged 65 and above, that number drops to 77%! These guys must have really stepped up their game when PIV is just foreplay. Man, getting old is going to be awesome.

On the Penis

Readers, I've done a terrible thing. In a post last month, I promised you that I would write my next article about why guys fuck their girlfriends harder when they haven't seen them in a while. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter I finally got the inspiration/courage to write an article I had been wanting to write for a long time. I'm here now to bring you the promised article. It is about the penis, and its role. You know the most obvious part: it's for fuckin'. But why does it look like it does? I'm here today to talk to you about penis morphology.

No, damnit. Not them. Get your head back in the gutter.

There are a couple basic things that separate the human penis from other primates'. The first of these is the size. Ladies, take note: your man is hung. No, I haven't seen it, don't worry. But if he's human, he's doing alright. Orangutans, chimpanzees and gorillas all have penises that are much smaller in comparison to their body size.[1] Dudes in the audience, please take this moment to give yourselves a high five. This is most likely due to the fact that chances of conception are increased dramatically when sperm is deposited all the way back at the cervix.

Unfortunately, we have absolutely nothing on elephants. Yes, that's what you think it is.

There's a little side note that I'd like to share with you, as it absolutely blew my mind the first time I heard about it. It's related in that it's still evolutionary biology, but no longer about penis morphology. I'm pretty sure you can handle the tangent, though, especially if you've ever had a conversation with me in person. Anyway: when a woman orgasms, her cervix convulses, moving back and forth. While this is not agreed upon by the entire scientific community, it seems that if there is semen already deposited in the vagina (especially if it's back near the cervix), these convulsions make the cervix come down and pick up some of the semen, in a process known as "upsuck". How rad, I ask you, is that?

The other thing[2] humans have that no other species has is a glans. You know, the little mushroom at the top? Specifically, we have the coronal ridge, which is the part that juts out a little further than the rest of the penis. To figure out the reason for this ridge, we have to remember that as much as we like to pretend that humans are an entirely monogamous species, a lot of evolutionary biology is about beating out not just other suitors, but other partners. It turns out that our best guess as to why humans developed the coronal ridge is for using the penis as a "semen displacement device". See, for up to 48 hours after sex, semen can stay inside a woman. Say it's Wednesday, and Jane has sex. If she starts ovulating on Friday, she could still get pregnant from the sex she had with John on Wednesday. However, If Zach[3] comes along on Thursday and has sex with Jane, he can get the rest of John's remaining semen out of the way, and put his own in its place. Untestable, you say? Maybe before the porn industry. But now we have molds of all sorts of people's manparts and ladyparts. And that's just what the scientists used. By making a batch of fake semen[4], and using a couple dildos as well as a dildo without a coronal ridge at all, they found that the glans really does make a huge difference in getting the semen out of a vagina.[5]

Other than the ridge, the other factor in amount of semen displaced was how deep the penis goes in. This is where things get interesting to me.[6] The harder the male thrusts and the deeper he goes, the more likely the semen will be displaced. This got the researchers thinking, and it led to them making a survey they gave to college students asking them about their fucking habits. Probably not in those words. They're better with words than I am, I'm sure. In fact, I'm going to actually just use a quote directly from the Scientific American, as they put it pretty concisely.

In the first of these anonymous questionnaires, both men and women reported that, in the wake of allegations of female cheating, men thrust deeper and faster. Results from a second questionnaire revealed that, upon first being sexually reunited after time apart, couples engaged in more vigorous sex—namely, compared to baseline sexual activity where couples see other more regularly, vaginal intercourse following periods of separation involve deeper and quicker thrusting.

Anyone else's mind as blown as mine was? When men feel like there's a chance that their partner may have been unfaithful, they unconsciously have sex in a way that will keep the woman from getting pregnant from someone else. Who knew?

Well that's all I've got for now. I won't make the mistake of promising you a topic for next time. Instead, how about YOU tell me what YOU want to hear ME write about? Leave a suggestion in the comments!

1.We also last a lot longer. For other primates, sex usually lasts under 30 seconds, often under ten.

2. Well, I suppose there are a bunch of things. But in terms of penises, the differences are somewhat fewer.

3. What? Names were chosen at random.

4. For you budding sex chefs out there, the recipe used was: 0.08 cups of sifted, white, unbleached flour mixed with 1.06 cups of water. Bring to a boil, simmer for 15 minutes while being stirred, then allow to cool.

5. You do not have my permission to start referring to penises as "God's plunger".

6. Alright, let's be honest. More interesting. This stuff is already like crack to me.

images via wordpress.com and theage.com.au

TeleEroticist

I'm not a huge fan of twitter as entertainment. During the Iranian post-election protests, it was one of the best ways to get out important information quickly. Ditto for the Tienamen Square riots in China. However, as merely a method of looking at things that people say for fun, it's never really been my bag.

This was before TeleEroticist.

I've only been looking at a few posts, and she's only been on for about a week now, so I'm not going to become a convert or anything, but reading through things that a phone sex operator says about her job is terribly interesting to me. Give it a look.

Best Sex Writing 2010

Last night I went to a reading of a compilation called Best Sex Writing 2010. The editor of this collection has many other collections she's edited, including collections of BDSM stories and voyeuristic stories. She's also edited more than a handful of collections of erotica. Clearly, this is my kind of gal. Not to mention she looks like this:

This photos was on the front of postcards being given out at the event. Postcards, people.

Some contributors read some of their own pieces, including Janet Hardy, whose mere three page reading left me [1] short of breath, moved, and incredibly turned on. Finally, there was a piece read by Kerry Cohen, though it was originally written under a pseudonym, as it was piece about her plan to cheat on her husband.[2]It left me in a similar state, but with the added tension of hearing such a personal tale - as well as such a personal life decision - from the reader, and then going to talk to her afterwards.

Now, I realize that you all may not recognize books like the Ethical Slut, Loose Girl, or the name Rachel Kramer Bussel. However, being someone who seeks out this kind of literature, these are some pretty large names. Not only getting to see them in person and hear them read some extremely powerful literature of theirs, getting to talk to them afterwards[3] made me realize something that for some reason I hadn't before. Something about only hearing these women through either blogs or books, I somehow thought that they wouldn't be so friendly and open about these topics in public. Now, knowing that I love talking about these things with strangers and I haven't even made a career out of it, I shouldn't be too surprised.

This photo from a media event should have also given me an indication she wasn't too shy.[4]

I guess I'm trying to get across a few different things.

1. I don't think my interest in sex was waning, but this reading has certainly gotten it waxing. (get it?) And with this book now in my possession, hopefully I'll get some more interesting articles up soon.

2. You should pick up Best Sex Writing 2010. It's informative, it's hot, and it's written by some really great people whom you should feel good about supporting. In essence, every piece in there is what I shoot for in my writing.[5]

3. Remember that a lot of the time, strangers like talking about the same sorts of things you do, and don't mind dispensing with small talk. Next time you meet someone and you feel like talking about butt plugs? Try it on for size.[6] They might be into it.

1. Or, at least me. And the lady I was with. But really, probably the whole room.

2. She explained that her husband now knows about the essay and by the time it had gone to publication, she would have been okay with using her real name. I'm not on a personal campaign to out her or anything.

3. As terse and bumbling as I was, as they are a young sex bloggers...Backstreet Boys? What do the kids listen to these days?

4. I realize the pictures already give you a good indication, but she really is a sight in person. I was already having a tough time watching her walk back and forth, box of Voodoo Doughnuts in hand, when my friend points out matching finger sized bruises on each of her thighs. It was pretty rough.

5. Except I'm not, for example a gay male escort in San Francisco[6], so I couldn't even if I wanted to.

6. Yet.

7. Pun only kind of intended.

On the Definition of Sex and the Coital Imperative

One of my favorite games with a group of people I don't know too well is ten fingers. I'm sure you've all played it: you go around the group saying things you haven't done, and if someone else has, they put down a finger. As you might expect, whenever I play this game, sex is a major theme. There are a lot of "I Nevers" like Never had sex in an elevator (in this case, my finger stays up), Never had sex more than twice in a day (finger goes down), and Never had sex on Air Force One (obviously, finger goes down). When you happen to be playing with all straight people, these questions are often considered easy to answer, because we assume sex means PIV*. However, the first time you play this game with bisexual or gay folks, you realize you need to change your definition a bit. But what do we change it to? Do we just open it up to including oral sex? How about anal?

How about.....THIS???

One important question is whether we even need a universal definition. Admittedly, I'm not 100% convinced we do. To avoid confusion in my own life, I always just explain things fully. If I want to convey that I went down on a girl, I'll probably say that I went down on her, rather than leaving it up to saying that we had sex. However, not everyone cares to be so explicit. And there are plenty of times when any real explanation isn't called for at all.

Something I've noticed, though, is that it seems like an official definition only seems to be important when we're trying to be judgmental about sex. The first thing that comes to mind is the Numbers Question. If someone has had PIV sex with 3 people, but had oral sex with 20, how do they respond to the question "How many people have you had sex with?" Are they being dishonest if they give either of those answers? Should they feel required to say both, and explain them? These things are obviously situational, but it's clear how much of a difference a common definition can make.

Even more important than the Numbers Question is the worry of virginity. If someone is worried about not having sex until it's with someone they love or until they're married, it's good to know exactly what that means. For some people, I know that's included oral sex. I know some women, however, who understood sex to mean PIV so clearly that they started out having anal sex to maintain their virginity. This, to me, is ludicrous. But this goes to show that I have a different definition of what sex is than some people.

I'm not planning on proffering a universal definition here. I am, however, interested in this being a thing that people talk about occasionally. I personally think that using PIV sex as the only way to define sex is something people use as a scapegoat in both situations. Now, let me say that intercourse is definitely different in some ways than other kinds of sex, as all kinds are different, and for many people it's more important, intimate, or what ever else. However, to put it on a completely different plane doesn't always seem fair to me. If you're not sleeping with someone just to keep your numbers down, what's the reason for keeping your number low? What do you gain by abstaining from one particular sexual act in order to say you've only had sex with a certain number of people? If you're deciding to remain a virgin for some reason, what are the reasons you're doing it? Is everything other than PIV really okay, and just PIV isn't?

Not only does treating PIV as the only "real" kind of sex cheapen same-sex sex, but it also starts to dictate a certain way hetero sex has to go to actually "count".

No, damnit. Not that Count. While he's there, though, this always makes me giggle.

This brings me to my next topic: the coital imperative. It's supposedly common knowledge that all men hate wearing condoms, but I read an article a while back about why condoms are no fun for women, either. It's something I had never really thought about. Other than the obvious fact that skin is a more pleasurable feeling than rubber to most people, I hadn't ever really thought about the problem with condoms for women. A major problem with them, however, is that they can set up a narrative for how sex goes. There can be foreplay, but at some point, the condom goes on. Then it's penis in vagina until the man comes, then it's over. There are certainly exceptions to this, but it's no doubt a familiar scenario. Oral sex performed on a male doesn't feel as good with a condom on, nor does it taste very good.** Once you've had sex, oral sex on the woman will taste like rubber too, and is therefore less likely to happen as well. On top of this, proper condom usage dictates that men take off their condoms while they're still erect , so there can't be the snuggling directly after coitus that can be an essential part for a lot of people.

Awww yeah. Sexy, sexy, post-coital snuggling.

You realize, of course, I'm not trying to talk you out of wearing condoms. They're a good (though less reliable than many) form of birth control, and one of the only options available for casual partners. It brings up an interesting point, though, which is that this seems to be the narrative of sex regardless of the condom usage. The biggest problem with the condom is that it helps along and justifies this narrative. Even with condoms, people should still see if they can break out of this mold.*** At Planned Parenthood (find the one nearest you here), their own condoms are free, and they sell name brands at 10 for $1. It's not like you can't toss one off after having sex for a while, make out, then go back to sex later. That's just one example, though! Experiment!

Possibly the larger problem is that this is just simply what people think of as sex: penis in vagina until the guy orgasms. I know even I'm guilty of this. I've had sex where only I come, where only the girl comes, where we both come, and where neither of us come. This is all obviously sex, but unless I catch myself, I sometimes think of only the times where I came as actually "counting". Now, for me this only comes up in completely frivolous, how-many-times-did-we-do-it-yesterday sort of ways, but the fact that my mind still jumps to thinking this way is troubling.

What do you all think? How do you define sex? Do you find yourself getting stuck in the rut of the coital imperative?



*Yes, Penis-In-Vagina. And yes, this term does get used in the literature. I'm not making it up to seem cool. But it's hard to complain about sexy acronyms.

**Unless you dig the taste of rubber, in which case, well, go you.

***That is, if either party is unhappy with the arrangement. I'm not trying to tell you how to have sex if you're happy, but variety rarely hurts.


images via collegecandy.com, thrublurryeyes.com, almightyray.com

Duck Penis

Hey all. I'm on a trip into Berkeley, CA for a few days, and won't be able to post for a little bit longer. Know that I have a couple articles in the works. In the meantime? Here's what a duck penis looks like.

Eversion in air: from blogs.discovermagazine.com/loom from Carl Zimmer on Vimeo.

The Bible Just Got Awesomer

It turns out the correct translation of the book of Genesis may involve Eve having been made from Adam's penis. Anyone else as excited as I am?

On Masculinity and Evolutionary Biology

A while back I talked about masculinity and some of the issues I have with the term. This is because there's a specific societal stigma that is attached to the word, and I don't like a lot of the connotations it has. However, there are many things that are inarguably masculine, as they come from testosterone. I've been reading this book this week, and it focuses largely on the evolutionary reasons for attraction and sex. Evolutionary biology is one of the most interesting things in the world to me, as it helps explain why we do some of the things we do in concrete, rational terms. Some things this book talks about when it comes to attraction I knew from the anthropology class I took, but some were new to me. I thought I'd share some of them with you.

Pictured: what Wikipedia calls sharing, and I call deplorable stealing.

We all know that smell can play an important role in attraction, but you might be surprised to learn how much. A team of Brazilian researchers had men wear patches of cotton on their skin to absorb the sweat. Later they had women smell these patches without seeing the men to whom they belonged. Without exception, women liked the smell of the men with the most dissimilar genes to herself. The draw of dissimilar genes is twofold. Extremely similar genes (think inbreeding) can lead to birth defects and many other problems. On the other end, however, a child that comes from complementary genes will have a better immune system, and will help a child ward off infections.

In evolutionary biology, there are traits that are labeled either "honest" or "dishonest". An honest trait is one that a mate finds attractive and is a genuine representation of good genes and/or health. A dishonest trait is one that a mate finds attractive, but doesn't necessarily connote good health or genes. In mammals, symmetry is seen to be an honest trait. Humans like the look of symmetrical bodies much more than those with less symmetry. This is an honest trait because a person needs to be in good health in their formative years to end up being symmetrical, as well as having low levels of gene mutation. Are you ready for this? Women can smell symmetry, too. A series of studies had men wear a T-shirt for two nights in a row, then had women smell them - again, without seeing the men - later. They found the symmetrical men's scents to be the most desirable, and the asymmetrical men's to be repulsive.

I must be defective or something, though, because I still think this lady is hot.

This preference for symmetry is is also evident through women's preferences for deep voices. Women have a tendency to prefer deep voices over higher-pitched ones, and this is because body symmetry is more likely to produce deep voices.

Sort of a no-brainer (for most women - more on that in a minute) on this list is a masculine face. So what is it that creates a masculine face? This shouldn't be a big surprise, but it's the same thing that creates muscles mass: testosterone. Then why don't all men have masculine faces and washboard abs? Because during puberty, only healthy bodies can afford to create enough testosterone to create these features. So masculine facial features are another honest trait.

Pictured: the masculine face from which all other masculine faces were wrought.

In all of these cases, this preference is most predominant when a woman is ovulating. This is because when a woman is most likely to become pregnant, she is most attracted to men with good genes. During the rest of her cycle, she is more likely to exhibit a preference for men who will be good caretakers, and will stick around. These are rarely the same men. However, a British study from 2009 concluded that generations of women on the pill has made that interest decline. Because the pill keeps a woman from having days in which she is fertile, it eliminates the days she is most attracted to extremely masculine men. This study has certainly been contested, but it's food for thought, nonetheless.

Neat stuff, huh? I've got a lot of this book to go, so stay tuned for more fun facts.

Up next, though, why guys fuck their girlfriends harder when they haven't seen them in a while! (Seriously.)

Images via helicon7.com, artofmanliness.com

Oral Sex: A Modest Guide

I've thought about giving how-tos on here for a while now, but I've demurred time and time again. For some reason, I've always felt that it's presumptuous and possibly even conceited to write one. However, having never felt that way about reading how-tos on anything in the past, I've decided to get over this worry, and give a couple pointers on oral sex.

I will state this many more times, but the thing to stress above all else is that everyone is different, and there is nothing that is guaranteed to work with any one person. Above all, communication is key. Wanting feedback means you're a good, concerned lover, not a bad one. Oral sex, like every other aspect of sex, is something that you do not to someone, but with someone. Now, onto the good stuff. Ladies first.

A common worry that women have about getting head is that they won't smell or taste good. An easy way to combat that is to go down on her in the shower, or directly after a shower. However, in most cases, if a woman has decent hygiene, she has no reason to worry. But if she's worried, she's not going to be letting herself have as good of a time as she might otherwise. This is why it can be a really nice idea to let her know if you like the way she smells or tastes. Obviously if you don't actually like it, you don't need to lie about it. But a very large number of gals and guys do like the way most women smell and taste, and letting the woman know that you're enjoying yourself can help her relax and enjoy herself. This can extend itself to making it clear in other ways that you're having fun. You don't need to turn into a porn star overnight, but making a couple noises if you feel like it can be a welcome addition. Also, before or after you actually do it, just outright telling her that you enjoy it can help make her feel a lot more comfortable about it. Again, no reason to lie, but it's nice to hear if it's true.

Besides, why wouldn't you enjoy it? She'll look like this afterwards. Guaranteed.

Women, on the whole, are a lot slower to warm up when it comes to sex, and are a lot more patient about that process. Guys, you don't need to dive right in and go for the clit. In fact, you don't even need to dive in and go for the vagina. Hang out with other places, and slowly start narrowing your focus. You want her to be pretty damn excited about it before you even touch her vagina, much less her clitoris. For some women I know, you pretty much can't tease them for too long. This certainly isn't the case for everyone, but guys, err on the side of too much buildup. Probably way, way too much.

Another difference between men and women for sexual pleasure is that usually when a man gets really excited, or something feels great, or he's getting close, it means it'll be even better if you do it harder and faster. This is rarely the case for women. Most often, when a woman starts ramping up for an orgasm, you shouldn't ramp up physically to try to accomodate. You're already doing something that feels great to her; you don't need to change a thing. Similarly, you don't need to change techniques too often, as sometimes it can break the flow. Maybe it's just me, but whenever I'm doing pretty much anything with a girl, I sometimes feel like I'm being boring unless I change things up pretty regularly. Then I remember all of the times I've been in the opposite situation, and very rarely get bored with what the girl is doing. It took me a long time to realize that I can do one thing for a fairly long time if she's enjoying it, and I won't be boring for it. Maybe I get antsy more quickly than most people, though. If you feel like you already spend ten minutes at a time without switching anything up, don't take this advice as me telling you that you should try keeping it up for twenty (unless she asks you to).

The clitoris is analogous to the head of the penis. It has the scientific name of glans, just like the head. However, the clitoris has many, many more nerve endings (around 8,000, twice that of the male glans), and it's much, much smaller. With this in mind, do not treat the clitoris like you would the head of a penis. This more than most things depends on the woman. Some women are sensitive enough that they don't even like their clitoris to be touched directly until they are very aroused, if at all. Others you can be a little rougher with, but don't go crazy. If it's not too intense for the girl, you can try lifting back the clitoral hood* and licking the glans directly. This is something you may want to ask about before doing, or at the very least be very attentive to her response. It can be too intense for a lot of girls, or be just the thing to send another into an orgasm.

If you start to run out of ideas, get tired, or just want to keep things interesting, feel free to use your hands, too. Some women really appreciate the switchoff, or sometimes the combination. Trying to use your hands at the same time can be a little difficult, but it's worth experimenting with. Some girls just like having the fullness of having something in their vagina at the same time, while others like the sensation of both areas being pleased at the same time. It's not essential for most women, but it can be fun to try out. Also much easier logistically is bringing in a toy. Either you or the girl can manage the toy while you're doing your own thing with your mouth.

Women more than men tend to not focus as intently on the orgasm. This is something men could take a note from. You don't need to spend every second worrying about how you're going to get her to come. Everything you're doing down there feels good, and that can be enough. To that end, you don't need to worry about keeping up a certain momentum, or taking breaks, especially early on. Before my door gets beaten down, however, I'm not saying you shouldn't make a valiant attempt to give your lady friend an orgasm, or that all women are just fine with being aroused and stimulated without a climax. But as a general trend, it seems to be less of an absolute requirement.

Now it's time to talk about going down on guys. It's often said that going down on guys isn't too hard, because pretty much anything you do feels good. This is true, with a few exceptions. Things like Cosmo try to tell women that men like just a little bit of teeth in their blowjobs. This is because Cosmo hates men, and everything they stand for**. Admittedly, I can't always tell exactly what's going on once a girl has her lips wrapped around me, but I'm pretty sure teeth aren't a part of it. If there's a girl out there who wants to prove me wrong, I'm open to it. At the very least, start out lightly, and make sure you get some feedback from your partner.

One thing that really helps, especially if you're new to the practice, is to use your hands. This is, in my opinion, more crucial to do with men than it is to do with women. Jerking him off for a minute can give lips (or jaw, or neck...) a break, or you can do both at the same time - a surefire winner in my book. Keeping a hand at the base can also keep you from going down too far if your guy likes to push your head down or thrust into you. For anyone who's new to the practice, I would definitely recommend using your hands. If you feel like you're pretty accomplished and you don't use them, I'll trust you, but I have a hard time imagining a great blowjob without them.

If you use your hands, he'll look like this afterwards. Guaranteed.

I would now like to make a case for the balls. I realize they're silly looking, and it's hard to know what to do with them. Honestly, you don't have to do much. Just cup them occasionally, or move them around in your hands. Not every guy likes this, but I think most do, and it can add an extra dimension to the experience. Rubbing the perineum*** can also be quite nice. In fact, while we're getting physically closer to the topic, a lot of guys like a finger up their ass while they're getting a blowjob. This is something you'll definitely want to do with someone with whom you're pretty comfortable, and will want to ask first. This is also something you may not be comfortable doing at all, which is also just fine.

I'd like to offer a few words of encouragement for both genders. I realize I'm mentioning a whole lot of things here, but don't stress out. Remember that most everything you'll be doing down there feels good, so it's pretty tough to screw up completely. Sex should be fun for everyone involved, so relax and let yourself enjoy making someone you care about (or is hot, or happened to ask if you wanted to run into the bathroom with them) feel good. Also, hopefully the person you're doing this with likes you, and isn't going to be judging you on it. They'll be appreciative and supportive, and not overly-critical. Especially for women going down on men, there is definitely a power dynamic in play that, if you're not close with the person, can be uncomfortable. But if you ease into it, remember that you're making your partner feel great, and remember how hot you look while you do it****, you should hopefully be able to get over it. Remember that oral sex isn't supposed to be a chore or a task, or really even a favor. It should be a more like a present. A sexy present.

See what good oral sex leads to? No, not polos and golf. Focus on the happiness.

On that note, I'd like to talk to the receivers of oral sex, too. If you're getting head, you should be, well, appreciative, supportive and not overly-critical. Someone is doing a fairly selfless act for you, and it's the least you can do to thank them, and ideally reciprocate. During, though, giving feedback is even more important than for intercourse. At least the other person can do what feels good to them during intercourse. Oral is all about the receiver, so make sure they know what you like. This doesn't have to be with words. A few noises or even heavier breathing when they do something you like can do the trick. And guys, don't push your partner's head down onto you unless you've asked if you can. Girls, push your partner's head down onto you as much as you want. Well, at least if your partner is me.

*Not sure what that is? You can check out this extremely NSFW diagram here.

**Actually, Cosmo seems to hate women a lot more. This is probably the subject for another post (or probably another blog), but safe to say I don't think any woman who has a basic level of self-respect should be caught dead reading that magazine.

***While I try not to keep this blog too clinical sounding, I've never found an even remotely sexy word for the perineum. If someone finds one that isn't "taint", "chode", or the particularly egregious "grundle" that they'd like to introduce me to, I'm all ears.

****This is not a guess that you look hot while you do it, this is fact. Maybe not to other people if they were watching, but if you are going down on someone, you will look hot to that person. Luckily, all my readers are hot anyway, so they don't have anything to worry about.

Images via friedmanarchives.com, sheknows.com, mbn.com