The Menstrual Cycle

It is my firm belief that men need to get over their hangups about periods. They're not weird. Over half the world gets them pretty frequently at some point in their life, in fact. So why do guys have to get grossed out every time it comes up? For that matter, why do guys think that the period means there's a week you can't have sex? All it means is there's a week that your girl can't get pregnant! Hardly something to complain about. I recognize I'm a bit of an anomaly as far as these things are concerned (In middle school I carried Midol in my backpack because my female friends would complain about cramps to me), but I think guys really need to step it up. In the interest of making this a more friendly concept, I give you the menstrual cycle, brought to you by I Heart Guts.

On Sex Toys

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On Rape Culture, Part I

There is a term you may have heard before that is often used by feminists (or at least some groups thereof) to describe the climate in which we live. It is a far reaching term, with many implications, some tangible, many not. It is a term and idea that embodies a huge percentage of women's issues, especially those concerning problems with sexuality in our culture.

This term is 2 girls 1 cup.

Not really.

This term is "rape culture". We live in a rape culture, many argue. What does this mean? Well, it means a whole lot of things, and it's difficult to explain quickly. For a quick rundown of a huge number of examples, this article is pretty Goddamned good, and I would seriously recommend reading at least a few paragraphs. For those of you who won't, however, I'll do my best to give a rough idea. Rape culture is, essentially, the notion that we live in a culture that at the very least trivializes rape, and at worst encourages it. This is a big claim, but it is one people are perfectly willing to back up. Again, this article provides over 50 examples of what the term encompasses. Some of the things I hear most often are things like the fact that 1 in 6 women in the United States will be sexually assaulted in their lifetime, and there is a large chance that statistic is undershooting. Also hugely important is how often sex and violence are conflated in the media. One doesn't need to look far to find ads like this, this or these. Another huge one is victim blaming. That is, thinking that a rape is ever anyone's fault other than the rapist. This can be as obvious as people who say something like "She was asking for it, look what she wears.", to much more common things like "Well she got drunk and went home with him, what did she think was going to happen at his place?" Other examples are the narrative that rapists are these dirty ugly men in trenchcoats who hide behind bushes, waiting to attack a stranger. Part of the rape culture is the lack of widespread information about what actually constitutes rape. More than any one of these things is the fact that still nothing seems to change in this regard. It is difficult to argue that it is anything less than a rape culture that allows a 15 year-old girl to be gang raped outside her high school in front of 15 bystanders with no one calling the police.

There were two things that got me thinking about this recently (before the Richmond tragedy). The first was this article, entitled Schrödinger's rapist. It's all about how men should be extremely careful in approaching a woman in public, and to pay close attention to and respect all signs that she may not want to talk. This isn't simply telling you not to hit on women wearing headphones. This is saying, do not smile and say hello to women that seem closed off. Now, this article immediately upset me. I am, I like to think, a nice guy. I see people, I smile at them, and occasionally make small talk. When I see a strange woman walking by and I smile, and she gives me a look like I'd just asked if she'd like to fuck in a bush, I always get indignant. It can sometimes ruin my mood entirely. I'm a good guy, and don't want to hurt people, and I get offended when women think otherwise. Schrödinger's rapist helped me realize something, though. There are people who want to hurt people. While I know this, of course, it's not something I think about regularly. Sure, occasionally I'll walk a little quicker if I get to a particularly dimly lit street walking alone in the middle of the night. This is by no means what I'm talking about. It's something a lot deeper.

Pictured: Schrödinger's cat. Not pictured: Schrödinger's rapist. You're welcome.

The second was the same day I read that article. In my gender studies class that I went to directly after reading that article, we had a guest lecturer. At one point, she asked the class (of around 150, probably 130 of whom are women) what precautions they take to avoid being sexually assaulted. Scores of hands shot up. Everyone answered, but no piece of advice was repeated. These women all had a huge number of different things they did to avoid harm. I knew this was something that women occasionally had to think about, but these two things really let it sink into my mind. These are constant worries for women. Many women don't leave the house without thinking about some of these things, and certainly women who have been sexually assaulted in the house never do. This is something that shocked and depressed me immediately, and is still difficult to truly take in. As a man, I can never truly know what it's like being so conscious of the threat posed by the other sex all the time. However, I can try and be more understanding when women are worried about it, and when I'm in a situation that could be potentially threatening to a woman to tread lightly.

But this is a solution that leaves much to be desired. Obviously just making women feel slightly less scared some of the time is not a solution at all. What are some of the causes of this, and what can we do to fight it? It's certainly not a cure-all, but there's a perspective I found that helped illuminate what may cause a lot of these problems. Stay tuned for Part II.

images via wordpress.com

On Rape Culture, Part II

In part I, I discussed what rape culture means, and how I came to realize it's a real problem. For some further perspective on this, I'd like to talk about an article I read recently that was extremely illuminating to me. It's called Why Nice Guys Finish Last by Julia Serano, and it's one essay in this collection. Those with the unbelievable fortune to know me personally, please ask to borrow it from me. Those less blessed, sit down in a library and read this article. It's all about why the rape culture exists as it does, and tries to push past some of the more obvious reasons that are given. Because it's not online, and therefore I can't link to it, I will instead be quoting and paraphrasing it liberally. Like this.

While there is certainly some truth to the idea that men are socialized to be sexually agressive, even predatory, this is not the only force at work in their lives. Male children and teenagers are also regularly and explicitly reminded that they should be respectful of girls and women, and are often punished severely for picking on, or Playing rough" with, their female peers. Further, the men-are-just-socialized-that-way argument fails to explain the countless men who never sexually abuse or harass women in their lifetime.

This is an important thing to point out for me, because the basic argument of simply saying men are brought up to be the way they are leaves out important facets that she mentions. Her basic theory is that rape culture has created a phenomenon called the predator/prey mindset, in which "men can only ever be viewed as sexual agressors and women as sexual objects." Take the example of women making lewd comments about some guy's ass. While this could easily be considering objectifying, it is not taken that way, not by a man hearing about it, nor by the women making the comments. This is because:

...the predator/prey mindset essentially ensures that men cannot be viewed as legitimate sexual objects, nor can women be viewed as legitimate sexual aggressors. This has the effect of rendering invisible instances of man-on-man and woman-on-woman sexual harassment and abuse, and it makes the idea of woman-on-man rape utterly inconceivable. It's also why women cannot simply "turn the tables" and begin sexualizing men. After all, if a woman were to shout catcalls at a man...her actions would likely be seen as suggestive and slutty, rather than intimidating and predatory.

She then proceeds to talk about the double bind that women are in, constantly being labeled either virgins or whores. This dichotomy is what muddles up the question of sexual liberalization for women. As Julia says, "If a woman embraces her sexuality, it may be personally empowering for her, but she still has to deal with the fact that others will project the 'whore' stereotype onto her and assume that she's inviting male sexualization." This is something I've discussed before, but she brings up an important facet that I hadn't thought of: the analog for men, or, the asshole/nice guy double bind. The predator stereotype paints a specific picture of a male. We all know the guys who make blatant sexist comments, or just downright don't treat women as equals. Even when these guys get taken to task for these things, and are encouraged to not think or act like that, it doesn't seem to do much. This is because of one obvious fact: it continues to get them women. No matter how much people may try to push guys away from acting like this, the assholes of the world have no real incentive to. How many times have you heard the story of the girl who falls for a guy who's clearly a tool, then gets surprised and upset when he breaks up with her, or cheats on her, or generally treats her like shit? Being a bona fide "nice guy" growing up, I heard it all the time from girls who would come to me as their friend.

Typical asshole in his natural environment.

Why was I the friend, and not the romantic interest? Precisely because I was a nice guy. I've heard guys lament about this exact situation more times than I can count. I've gotten explicit advice from personal friends and countless threads on the Internet telling me that the best way to pick up women is to be an asshole. That is, they wouldn't just describe what we've labeled as the asshole of this dichotomy, but they will literally say "You need to be an asshole to women." This is one of the biggest points against the biological argument for the presence of a predator/prey mindset. Even if there is some level of this programmed in, men are certainly taught, implicitly and explicitly, to behave in a manner that fits this mold.

Julia moves on to cover a really basic point that makes a whole lot of sense to me.

Not to sound corny, but we all want the same things in life: to gain other people's attention, to be adored, to be sexually desired, to be intimate with people we find attractive, and to have great sex. In a culture where women are generally viewed as sexual objects, some women will take on that role in order to gain attention and feel desirable. By the same token, in a world where men are only ever viewed as sexual aggressors, some men will take on that role in order to gain attention and feel desirable.

This is really hard to argue with. It almost makes the assholes endearing to us. For a little while, I played the asshole, and I did pretty well with women. Aside from not liking to treat women like that, I realized I didn't like the women who were drawn to those sorts of men. But realistically, it's almost difficult to blame men who perpetuate this mindset, if they, even subconsciously, think it's the only way they'll be able to get attention and/or affection. But while men are occasionally critiqued for preferring women who fulfill the sexual object stereotype, there is no serious criticism made of women who are attracted to the predator type of male. I see guys at parties doing things that easily qualify as sexual harassment that girls just giggle at in response. As long as this behavior continues to get rewarded, there's no reason for men to change it.

Typical nice guy in his natural environment.

I'm making a plea on behalf of men and women everywhere: stop promoting this shit. Men, don't go for women who let themselves be treated like objects, and try and hide their intelligence to avoid scaring off assholes. Women, quit going for assholes. There are nice guys that possess a lot of the good qualities you may see in the assholes, but they won't be, well, assholes. It's the only thing we can do to make a real change in this stuff.

images via wordpress.com and doknowevil.net

Penis Tissue!

We live in the future. Never has this been more clear than now, when we can replace penis erectile tissue to help people with erectile dysfunction. I love science so hard.

P.S. Seriously, I'm really as busy as I say. I'm hoping to get an article up soon, but it's slow-going right now. Forgive me.

Masturbation poses

Spending some time by yourself this week? Here are some new twists on an old favorite. Though I'd like to correct the title from "for the lonely and loveless" to simply "for the self-loving". Enjoy.

Vampires and Gay Dudes

You've probably been wondering like I have why there's such a craze for vampires recently? Well look no further. This guy has figured it all out. Or maybe he's just an idiot. Either way, this is the first of a few links that will hopefully tide you over during my busy week, and while I try and get started on a doozy of an article.

On Our Simian Ancestors

Most of you may know that I'm in college. Though it's rare, sometimes I actually take classes that I want to take. The class I'm about to tell you about was not one of those classes. It was an anthropology course titled The Evolution of Human Sexuality. Though admittedly I didn't know exactly what I expected this course would entail, I certainly was expecting some sexy talk. Maybe some discourse on, say, why the things we have fetishized in our culture (unrealistically large breasts, platinum blonde hair, anything about Paris Hilton) have come about, or a history of sexual revolutions throughout our (or others') culture and the opposition they faced. Instead, I took a course on monkeys. To her credit, my professor was a bonobo researcher, and therefore knew her monkeys quite well. Though I did get some interesting information out of the class, it was by no means what I had hoped for. To save you the money and the time I spent to take this course, I offer you one of the more interesting tidbits I learned from the class.

Another thing I learned was the name of the Sifaka, the animal I want more than anything as a pet.

Assuming you believe in evolution (and if you don't, I would not-particularly-politely urge you to go here and peruse* the related articles), you may know that we have two extremely close ancestors from the monkey world: chimpanzees and bonobos. These are our two closest cousins, and they could not be more different. (The bonobo is not a type of chimpanzee. Do not let Wikipedia tell you otherwise.)

Chimpanzees are, scientifically speaking, total dicks. They are violently patriarchal, run by an alpha male. This male will run hold females down to copulate with them if they do not wish to. He will abuse them if he finds out they have copulated with another male. This applies to nearly every female in the pack. The males patrol the perimeter of their territory, making sure there are no chimps from outside their tribe. If they find an outlying male, they will kill him. If they find a female, they will take her back to their tribe to become the lowest of the social strata among the females. They will also occasionally run raids into other chimpanzees' territories to do the same. They will kill a female's children from a different father in hopes that it will make the female (now needing to mate again to have offspring) mate with them.

Makes you look at all those photos with Jane Goodall a little differently, doesn't it?

Bonobos are - again, scientifically - fucking awesome. They are generally egalitarian but slightly matriarchal. There is virtually no aggression, and when there is, it's resolved by sex. That's right. This species is so advanced, that rather than fight when they're pissed off, they just bone. They also do it to say hello. And to ease tension when they're happy. "But Zach," you ask. "What happens if two males are mad at each other?" Not to fear, dear reader. They bone, too. In fact, there's no known preference between genders for sexual activity. Male-male and female-female encounters are just as common as are male-female. Between two females, it is called GG (genito-genital) rubbing. Between two males, it's penis-fencing. Are you in love with them yet?

It's not just that they have sex for a bunch of reasons, and with everyone. It's also a question of frequency. Bonobos have sex upwards of a dozen times a day. Admittedly, these encounters are shorter than ours. Or at least shorter than mine. They last around 8-10 seconds. If that's about what you clock in, I'm not here to judge. Especially not after Dave professed his own longevity issues. But still! So. Damn. Awesome.

Part of what I find so interesting about this is the huge dichotomy between our two closest relatives. Not to be too philosophical (or perhaps too obvious), but when I first learned about this, it immediately struck me as the two sides of humans.We have the capacity to be egalitarian, to share our food, and to bone everyone we meet. We also have the capacity to beat our spouses and rape people. Hopefully we can try and be more like the bonobos as time goes on. This is why I encourage you to find a friend and get down with them this evening. It only needs to be for 8-10 seconds. Though ideally it will be much, much longer.

*fellow word nerds may know: peruse means "to read thoroughly or carefully", not to skim.

images via outdoorphoto.co.za, smh.com.au