On Male Sexuality

I haven't written far too long, but it’s not because I forgot about you. Quite the opposite. I’ve been reading a lot of material that I’m hoping to write about, and picking up even more from the library, and even drove around the state to go to a lecture*. What’s happened is I’ve gotten overloaded with material to write about. So today, rather than cover every possible detail of a book I read recently, I’m going to stick to a small portion of what the author talked about. The book I read was called Male Sexuality: Why Women Don’t Understand it (and Men Don’t Either) by Dr. Michael Bader.

This sets me up for an easy Master Bader joke, but I’d like to think I’m above that.

Bader is a psychoanalyst who uses his experiences dealing with clients to inform his opinion about a wide variety of things about male sexuality. As previously stated, he has a wide variety of opinions on all of this, but most of it comes from a fairly simple concept.

Bader believes that all of our (men and women) sexual proclivities come from what he calls pathogenic beliefs. A pathogenic belief as he describes it, is a belief about the world that is so firmly engrained that you may not know you hold it. Because he is rather Freudian in his approach**, he believes these come from our parents at a very young age. These beliefs come to shape what we consider to be truths about the way the whole world works, and they deeply affect our relationships, and more interestingly for people like me, our sex lives. He gives plenty examples of how this plays out in his patients’ lives. Unfortunately, most of these examples are fairly extreme. It’s expected that a lot of his patients that have large problems come from extremely messed up childhoods, but using only those examples makes it harder to apply to other lives. However, the broad trends he discusses seem to fit right in with people I know, even if they didn’t come from broken homes.

America's Most Wanted's dramatic re-enactment of a broken home.

One of the most basic ones he discusses is guilt over what he calls “sexual ruthlessness”. Now, this term may sound a bit worse than what he means. The term ruthless in this context is being borrowed from its definition in child psychology. A more fitting term might by selfishness, as it basically means to do something without experiencing undue worry about the other people involved. Now, you know I’m not arguing that we just do whatever we want in bed without caring about your partner, so I know you’ll let me finish explaining. What a healthy, sexually ruthless man can do is, say, enjoy a particular position without worrying about if she’s bored with it, or if he’s going too hard, or if she actually wants to be doing it anyway. Again, not that we should never ask any of these questions, but many people (and, Bader argues, men in particular) have a hard time EVER ignoring this voice, which dramatically gets in the way of pleasure.

He says that men have this guilt in particular because men are forced to go through a different experience growing up. He argues that while every child has to separate from the mother and become a different person, males have the extra step of becoming a male, and needing to assert their male-ness. What this means is that men are forced to do more work to distinguish themselves as male, which can lead to a bigger risk of being emotionally cut off. This might sound a little crazy, and it admittedly takes some getting used to as an idea, but honestly, I think it can make sense even without the Freudian have-to-leave-your-mother business. Basically, cultural forces have a huge impact on the psyche of both men and women. We talk all the time about the media giving unrealistic expectations about women’s appearance, but just as prevalent are ideas about masculinity and what that means. I’m not talking about the beer ad ideas of masculinity, but what a lot of men end up hearing from women throughout their lives and, most damagingly, sometimes from their mothers.

Now remember, Timmy: I don't like sex with your father, so that means that no woman will ever want to have sex with you, either.

We hear things like women only putting up with sex to get what they really want (this one is damaging to both genders, of course), or that guys are creeps for looking at a woman or asking for her number, or any number of other things. I’m not arguing there are no creeps. What I’m arguing is that there are a huge number of men who are not creepy, but are terrified of being creeps, and have a much harder time being able to do normal things, like talk to a strange woman, or enjoy sex. I’m not sure if it’s because of the plethora of feminist literature I’ve read, but I know I find myself in that position sometimes. I think about talking to a girl at a party, or any number of other situations, and hesitate, thinking I don’t want to be an asshole/creep. When I take a step back and look at the situation objectively, I realize there’s nothing wrong with what I want to do, but the worry often keeps me from looking at the situation rationally. This fear has also, I’ve realized, affected my taste in women to an extent, as well. Though when I’m in a relationship I tend to be very grounded, attached, and SOMETHING, I have a strong tendency towards very independent women. It’s not a stretch at all to imagine that I appreciate strong women in part to quell my worries that I would be oppressing them by being my usual male self.

I know it may be a bit hard to believe that men have a hard time feeling okay being masculine, especially if you’re a woman that has dealt with your share of creepy/asshole men, but as soon as I read this hypothesis, it instantly rang true for me.

So! What does this have to do with how it affects your sex life? Well, one of Bader’s most important arguments is that people use fantasies to negate their pathogenic beliefs. An obvious example of this is men who prefer to be dominated. If they are worried that they are hurting the woman, or if the woman is actually enjoying it using traditional gender roles during sex, what better way to ease his worries than to have the woman do all the work?

This basic concept helps explain a huge bit of mainstream porn. There is no question that a large percentage of mainstream porn is aggressive. If you took just this bit of information, you might argue that men are inherently misogynistic, or that they wish they could be aggressive or even violent with women all the time. There is an important component missing from this view, however. It is the fact that with few exceptions, the women all appear to be enjoying themselves to what is usually an exaggerating degree. The women yell out in a way that would make you question the sanity of your partner if she started doing it. They seem to have orgasms every few minutes, even though nothing ever touches their clitoris. This is not to say that there is no porn out there in which the woman does not appear to be enjoying herself at all***, but mainstream, popular porn is full of enthusiastic women. What this tells us is not that we don’t want women to not enjoy themselves; we want women to enjoy themselves quite a bit, even when we’re being ruthless. Since many men worry that the things they want to do in bed are either weird, kinky, or degrading, having women who are clearly enjoying themselves no matter what helps negate that worry and allows these men to become aroused.

The worries don’t always have to be just about manliness, of course. Another common pathogenic belief (or so argues Dr. Bader) is that men can feel that having desires is cumbersome upon their partner, and expressing these desires is a burden for them. This results in men feeling like a chore when they consider asking their partner to try something, even if it’s something their partner may want to do.

Things like this.

These are only a few examples, but they are especially poignant ones, and they are ones that make a lot of sense to me. Maybe this is because they most closely relate to me, or because I have heard stories of similar situations, or just because it seems to fit in with my own ideas about masculinity. At any rate, he clearly has a lot more to say about these and other issues, but this is a primer and an insight into some of the most interesting parts of what Bader has to say. I don't agree with all of it, but I agree with enough of it that this was a very worthwhile find for me.

I'm planning to get back into reading and writing soon, so bug me about it!

*Well, two, but the second one filled up before I got there. I was PISSED. More on that in a later post, probably.

**In case you didn’t know, we don’t actually like Freud. This is something I’m hoping to talk about soon as well. Though in this case, I think Bader is probably right in his thoughts.

***Though Bader argues that even if they're not LOOKING like they're enjoying it (BDSM subs are rarely beacons of sunshine) women agreeing to be in the porn is complicit consent/enthusiasm. That point is more arguable, but still valid to a degree, I think.

images via radaris.com, wordpress.com, morninpaper.com, worldofstock.com

On Adrian Colesberry

Carrying on for a bit with the trend of posts on books, I will be taking look at a book that has recently grown very near and dear to my heart: How to Make Love to Adrian Colesberry by Adrian Colesberry.

See? The cover is even nice and discrete. No one will know what you're reading about.

Now, with a title like that, you would assume that it must be a joke book. It is certainly a funny book, but to consider it nothing more than a humor book would be a major discredit to it. The book is, ostensibly, is exactly what it sounds like: a chronicling of everything the author likes in bed. Written well, that’s already enough to hook me, but I realize I’m not quite in the majority there. However, literally half the book is annotations. In these annotations, he tells anecdotes about his own life and relationships. Though the book is already full of information on him and his exes*, the annotations give an extra layer of depth and character to the author that make the book really feel like you know the guy.

And who wouldn't want to know this guy? Clearly the woman behind him does.

Again, though, I realize that I’m happy to just hear about other people’s sex lives for days on end without complaint, but that’s not for everyone. So what makes this book worth reading for everyone (and I do mean pretty much everyone)? Well, aside from being very, very funny, it’s genuinely informative. For women, There aren’t too many good sources for sex advice. Sure, you can learn Ten Ways to Turn Your Man to Mush from Cosmopolitan, or whatever the kids are reading these days, but really, does anyone listen to that shit? I really, deeply hope not. What this book does is lay out in meticulous detail everything a man likes.

Now, I don’t mean “a man” to mean “every man”. Surely you know, you savvy read-my-old-posts reader you, that everyone is different, and just because one person likes something doesn’t mean that everyone will. What’s so great about this book, though, is it tells you ALL about what one person likes, in a lot more detail and honesty than most women will ever get to hear. Further, the anecdotes provide a huge number of examples of how he found out he liked (or didn’t) like something in bed, and the stories are, aside from interesting, an insight into how you can find out these things for yourself. But you're already a guy, you say? I personally found his self-reflection enlightening for myself. The way he digs into himself is infectious, and it makes you want to consider things about yourself. You may not be that much like him, but even the things that are different are interesting, as most of them aren't necessarily gender-specific. In other words, much of what he says could apply to either gender, so so it's still super informative for men.

And look here: information can be sexy.

Another things that I find absolutely fantastic about this book is how up front Adrian is about his own peculiarities in the bedroom. I don’t mean kinky stuff (though there’s plenty of that, too), but, for instance, he can only come from missionary position, and even then not often. By the time I read this (halfway through the book), I was sure that he had to be the greatest lover of all time, and this threw me for a loop. Of course, not being able to orgasm easily has nothing to do with being a great lover. I know this, but this book cemented it more firmly in my head with such a concrete example. There are infinite more moments like this, where in learning about his (and his exes) differences you remember why sex is so great: because it’s not the same for any two people. Again, these are things we hopefully already know, but this book gets it across in a much better way than simply saying it outright (like I do). I’m going to quote him at length here as an example that struck me as especially fascinating of something that takes great self-awareness and honesty with one’s self to even recognize.

For Adrian Colesberry, lust feels a lot like aggression.** He’s been aware of this for many years, so he’s not going to get confused, like teenage boys often do, and say something mean when he really wants to touch your boobs. He’ll just touch your boobs (if and only if that’s already a part of your relationship). That way, you don’t get your feelings hurt and you do get your boobs touched. Win-win.Once you start fucking him, you might think that his feelings of lust would clarify themselves, seeing as they are being directly addressed, but just the opposite is the case: They get closer and closer to aggression in an asymptotic approach. Again, he’s in control of this and isn’t liable to get confused and insult your mother when he likes your mother fine but wants to flip you into doggie-style. He’ll just flip you into doggie-style without a word about your mother. And assuming that you enjoy getting vigorously fucked from behind, that’s another win for the both of you.

He then goes on to explain a number of different ways he gets this aggression out (dirty-talking, spanking, hair-pulling), etc. This is the sort of thing that I'm sure plenty of guys can relate to, but may not notice about themselves very easily. He is full of wonderful insights like this.

Finally, this book is great because Adrian is so sex-positive. Of course he would be, you think, given the topic. But he goes well beyond the call of duty. He doesn’t just fill his prose with parentheticals like the above, reminding you that consent is important. The line I have quote most often since reading the book is on the topic of orgasms. More specifically, he lays out all of his past girlfriends orgasms, ie if they happen, how they happen and how far into the lovemaking they happen. At this point he mentions he’s dated a few women who never came with him (some only came from masturbation, some just didn’t come) and that though he likes getting you off, if you have a hard time reaching orgasm, that won’t stress him out, and it shouldn’t stress you out either. Because, as he puts it, “fucking towards a goal creates a possibility of failure where there shouldn’t be one.” Absolutely genius.

On the same note, it would be very easily to treat his exes like chattel throughout this book, as he's cataloguing all of his sexual experiences with these women. Instead, he manages to treat them all with the utmost respect, even when using a story about one of them as an example of what not to do. ***

This, I realize, isn’t so much a book review as most of these posts will be. This is my outright telling you to buy this book. It’s really, really good. It’s funny, it’s disarming, it’s informative, and it will just make you happy to read. Do it.****

* And I mean full. He graphs them with various data sets early on, giving information like height weight and cup size. But it's not at all dehumanizing, like it could sound from what I just said. Far from it, he treats all of these women with the utmost respect. More on this later.

**Yes, he talks in the third person for the whole book. It’s annoying for about three pages, then you stop noticing. And actually, even though the book is by nature unabashedly self-involved, not seeing “I” and “me” written all over the place makes it seem less so.

***In fact, he uses in one (and only one) place in the book my new favorite term for all of his exes together: the pantheon. Exquisite.

****If you’re like me and just can’t get nearly enough of this guy when you’re finished with the book*****, he has a blog, too. It puts mine to shame, so I shouldn’t actually link you to it, but I’m going to anyway, because he hasn’t been writing for a few months, so he’s not competition. Go! It’s amazing.

*****Yes, I'm kind of in love. Yes, it may have caused some problems in other relationships for me.

images via amazon.com, blog.creativeloafing.com, blog.okcupid.com

On Cunts

Hooray, the blog is back. I’m not sure exactly where I want to take it in the future, but for the present I think I want to write a few articles based on books I’ve been reading. I’m excited to hear what else you might want me to write about, but in the mean time, I’ll just dive right in. Today's will be Cunt by Inga Muscio.

She's really setting me up for a Georgia O'Keefe joke here.

I wanted to say that the first thing I noticed is the tone (we'll get there shortly), but that’s not quite true. The first thing I noticed was, not surprisingly, the first page of the book. Before the foreword, preface or introduction (all of which are present) there is an author’s note stating “Unless otherwise stated, throughout this book the words ‘gentleman,’ ‘man’ and the like are used to refer to the tightly knit, male social power structure as it is recognized in American patriarchal society.” She then goes on to explain that there are nice men in the world, and she respects some of them, but that first bit is extremely problematic for me. I understand this disclaimer is intended to be a “I don’t hate all men, so please don’t get worried by my terminology”. But the book is called Cunt because she wants any term that gets used for the vagina to be a positive one, so she’s trying to reclaim the term. Clearly she feels strongly about the power of words. And yet, here in the first sentence of the book, she says that she plans to use the word “men” to mean a very specific sect of males and corporations and a number of other intangible things, specifically in America. The idea that she will then be saying things like “men keep us down” and “men don’t give a shit about women or what they think” and think that it will have no repercussions is ludicrous. Given that she makes up words or sticks words together or repurposes words slightly throughout the book, it seems neglectful that she wouldn’t come up with some term that can mean what she wants it to without using the word we already use to mean, you know, all males.

And yes, dear readers, she makes up words. I won’t say much about it, but the whole tone of her writing is very specific, I’m sure very intentional, and EXTREMELY annoying. If you plan to pick this book up, expect a lot of ain’ts, don’ts (instead of doesn’t), and in’ s (instead of ing). This is mixed in with a hefty dose of new age vocabulary*, and while both are irritating separately, they’re especially difficult to get through in tandem. I still have no idea what she was trying to accomplish with having this in there, but it was really hard to focus on the points she was making early on. Admittedly, though, by the end of the book I had nearly stopped noticing. I hope to regain my intolerance shortly, however.

No, not that kind of intolerance.

In the first section of the book, she discusses the word itself. She likes the word cunt rather than the vagina, in part because vagina only refers to the inner part rather than the whole lovely organ,** but also because the name comes from the Latin word for sheath. Sure, that’s a little weird to have the “correct” word for vagina be only in relation to the penis. Then, however, she goes on to only refer to the penis throughout the section as “prick”. Wait a second. Doesn’t that sort of have the impression of only being related to the vagina? Not to mention being the most violent of the commonly used terms? I don’t believe that she dislikes all men, but the complete lack of though about men involved is frustrating, disheartening, and makes the whole book harder to read.

Besides, the term "vagina" is just inaccurate. You can't fit a sword in there.

In a final criticism, other than just seeming entirely inconsiderate about things she’s demanding for men***, she occasionally takes things to what I consider a radical, unhealthy view that is actually harmful to the cause. It comes up sparingly, but there are the occasional quotes like:

“A gentleman who doesn’t have the physical and/or emotional sensitivity to use condoms couldn’t possibly possess the self-confidence required to fully procure the infinite soundings of pleasure from the depths of a woman’s being, via the endlessness of her cunt.” (emphasis hers)

Obnoxious new-age diction aside, this again just shows utter disregard for the full acceptance of men, when she’s asking for that acceptance of women. Now, in the vast majority of cases, absolutely, men should wear a Goddamned condom, and if it’s casual sex, there’s more or less no way around that. But she’s talking about a long-term solution, as opposed to any other form of birth control. I personally know men who flat out cannot orgasm with a condom on, and have heard of many others who can’t maintain an erection with one on. Saying that it’s all down to sensitivity seems callous or ignorant. And I’m still not sure what that has to do with self-confidence.

Another quote on a very different topic but is still harmful is:

“Now when I hear of a man murdering a woman I assume that he raped her unless I read the fucken (sic) coroner’s report myself.”

What? Why? This quote comes after a harrowing story of a leader of a Seattle band getting raped and murdered, but only the murder made it to the headlines. No, that shouldn’t have happened. Yes, sometimes the media sucks. But really? Every time you hear of a murder, you won’t believe anyone except the coroner that the woman wasn’t raped? That isn’t just depressing, it’s absurd.

After saying all of this, you may think I hated the book. I didn’t, not by a long shot. The overall message of the book is fantastic, and one that I wish more women heard. It might be a bit much for a woman who hasn’t read any feminist literature, but the general “second wave feminism didn’t fix anything, there are still a billion problems, get pissed about it” is fantastic, and she does a good job of convincing the reader of just that. If anyone reading here honestly thinks that feminism has done all it needs to do, this book may well be for you.

Another thing I genuinely appreciate is that she gives practical advice. In multiple places she talks about concrete, practical things women can do for themselves. This includes alternatives to tampons (to save money and to not be giving it to a men-controlled corporation), alternatives to clinical abortions (that are not guaranteed to work but are much less unpleasant and a step you can try before going to a clinic) and advice on masturbation and sex (because how can you write a book about cunts and not cover that stuff?) Further, there is a big chapter on rape, and she covers a lot of important information about self-defense and ways to protect oneself.**** These are important things to learn about and things that aren’t taught in an institutionalized way in our society, and should be. Big chunks of her advice are things I hope every woman hears, if not from this book then from somewhere else.

On the whole I think that this book is almost too mixed to have a generalized opinion on it. I really like some parts, some parts really frustrate me, and some parts I think are actually destructive rather than helpful. I think Cunt is often considered to be a primer of feminist literature and philosophy, and as that I think it does its job admirably. It covers most of the good aspects of feminism and hits on a couple of the lame, man-hating parts, too. Maybe not the ideal book to convert the masses, but it’s a start.

*The largest section of the book (on cunt-as-a-body-part, not on cunt-as-a-word) is called The Anatomical Jewel. I’m as happy as the next guy to get on board with praising women’s anatomy, but something about this term just sounds so unattractive. I never got over it, throughout the whole book.

**A notion I understand and respect, as I often thought it was weird that we did that. Picture referring to your nose, your eyes, your ears, all as your face.

***Though, were she here to defend herself, she might say that a big part of this book is about women supporting women, not men; and that should go both ways; which I agree with to a point. But I still think a basic level of equality in her thinking could have gone a long way in this book.

****Not necessarily taking a martial arts class, but, in her main example, when going to buy smokes late at night, she puts on a big baggy sweatshirt to make herself less look womanly, puts a few rocks in her pockets to be able to throw, and she calls her friend who lives in the apartment above her and says “If I don’t call you back in 10 minutes, come looking for me.” Not necessary for every woman in every neighborhood in every city, but damn good advice for some.

images via goodreads.com, drudgereport.com, humanflowerproject.com