On Our Simian Ancestors

Most of you may know that I'm in college. Though it's rare, sometimes I actually take classes that I want to take. The class I'm about to tell you about was not one of those classes. It was an anthropology course titled The Evolution of Human Sexuality. Though admittedly I didn't know exactly what I expected this course would entail, I certainly was expecting some sexy talk. Maybe some discourse on, say, why the things we have fetishized in our culture (unrealistically large breasts, platinum blonde hair, anything about Paris Hilton) have come about, or a history of sexual revolutions throughout our (or others') culture and the opposition they faced. Instead, I took a course on monkeys. To her credit, my professor was a bonobo researcher, and therefore knew her monkeys quite well. Though I did get some interesting information out of the class, it was by no means what I had hoped for. To save you the money and the time I spent to take this course, I offer you one of the more interesting tidbits I learned from the class.

Another thing I learned was the name of the Sifaka, the animal I want more than anything as a pet.

Assuming you believe in evolution (and if you don't, I would not-particularly-politely urge you to go here and peruse* the related articles), you may know that we have two extremely close ancestors from the monkey world: chimpanzees and bonobos. These are our two closest cousins, and they could not be more different. (The bonobo is not a type of chimpanzee. Do not let Wikipedia tell you otherwise.)

Chimpanzees are, scientifically speaking, total dicks. They are violently patriarchal, run by an alpha male. This male will run hold females down to copulate with them if they do not wish to. He will abuse them if he finds out they have copulated with another male. This applies to nearly every female in the pack. The males patrol the perimeter of their territory, making sure there are no chimps from outside their tribe. If they find an outlying male, they will kill him. If they find a female, they will take her back to their tribe to become the lowest of the social strata among the females. They will also occasionally run raids into other chimpanzees' territories to do the same. They will kill a female's children from a different father in hopes that it will make the female (now needing to mate again to have offspring) mate with them.

Makes you look at all those photos with Jane Goodall a little differently, doesn't it?

Bonobos are - again, scientifically - fucking awesome. They are generally egalitarian but slightly matriarchal. There is virtually no aggression, and when there is, it's resolved by sex. That's right. This species is so advanced, that rather than fight when they're pissed off, they just bone. They also do it to say hello. And to ease tension when they're happy. "But Zach," you ask. "What happens if two males are mad at each other?" Not to fear, dear reader. They bone, too. In fact, there's no known preference between genders for sexual activity. Male-male and female-female encounters are just as common as are male-female. Between two females, it is called GG (genito-genital) rubbing. Between two males, it's penis-fencing. Are you in love with them yet?

It's not just that they have sex for a bunch of reasons, and with everyone. It's also a question of frequency. Bonobos have sex upwards of a dozen times a day. Admittedly, these encounters are shorter than ours. Or at least shorter than mine. They last around 8-10 seconds. If that's about what you clock in, I'm not here to judge. Especially not after Dave professed his own longevity issues. But still! So. Damn. Awesome.

Part of what I find so interesting about this is the huge dichotomy between our two closest relatives. Not to be too philosophical (or perhaps too obvious), but when I first learned about this, it immediately struck me as the two sides of humans.We have the capacity to be egalitarian, to share our food, and to bone everyone we meet. We also have the capacity to beat our spouses and rape people. Hopefully we can try and be more like the bonobos as time goes on. This is why I encourage you to find a friend and get down with them this evening. It only needs to be for 8-10 seconds. Though ideally it will be much, much longer.

*fellow word nerds may know: peruse means "to read thoroughly or carefully", not to skim.

images via outdoorphoto.co.za, smh.com.au