On the Female Orgasm

I like having orgasms. I try to have them pretty frequently, in fact. Ideally, I have them with a friend. Such things are better shared. In fact, I think orgasms are so great, I hope all of my friends have them. This is why when a friend gives me an orgasm, I try to give her one, too. It's just a nice thing to do.

However, sometimes this is easier said than done.

It can be tough for some women to orgasm at all. So much so that people do some silly stuff in order to have them. For example, there's a commune for men and women in San Francisco dedicated to giving women orgasms. Seriously. The New York Times wrote about it here. While I'm not convinced I need to go live in a commune to help give a woman an orgasm, it's still something I've been interested in for a long time.* Being a science-minded man, I started looking around at information on the matter. Not just how-to guides, but information on whether women actually do have a hard time orgasming, and why.

The first thing I'd like to share with you is something I learned from Bonk, the best book on sex I've read. There is a chapter dedicated to this very topic. I'll spare you from many of the details, but I'd like to lay out a quick history. Marie Bonaparte, great grand-niece of Napoleon, was sexually unsatisfied. She didn't orgasm from sex, and didn't know why, but decided it was due to the distance between her clitoris and her vaginal opening. To test this theory, she measured this distance on 243 women in France, and found that women with a distance of less than an inch had a much greater chance of achieving orgasm from sex. Since this study in the 20s, there have been subsequent studies that at the very least indicate there is an important relationship between the two. The basic reasoning for this correlation is the skin around the clitoris gets pulled upon during sex, and creates stimulation. In other words, even most intercourse-induced orgasms are still due to the clitoris.

There is a good reason the clitoris is so pivotal - it's sensitive. We know, you say. But you may not! Did you know, for instance, that it has 80,000 nerve endings? Twice as many as the penis? Unfortunately, however, we managed to lose sight of this when one Sigmund Freud came around and told people that clitoral stimulation is infantile, and as a woman matures she should embrace her feminine role of taking dick, and should only have vaginal orgasms. Somehow people bought this (including Bonaparte, in fact, but she eventually changed her mind again) and in medical journals and sex books alike the clitoris was ignored. Luckily, second-wave feminism began, the clitoris was rediscovered, and has remained a publicly worthwhile organ since.

What? It's a flower. Get your head out of the gutter.

There are of course other things at play, however. Were you to talk to the Zwi Hoch, from the Center for Sexual Therapy in Israel, or my lovely friend Berta with whom I talked about this stuff this morning, they would tell you that sexual positions can play a huge role. Different positions can help hit the clitoris more easily, regardless of its distance. There is also the elusive Grafenberg spot, or the G-spot. This, for those uninitiated, is a small area of skin on the front interior wall of the vagina about 3-4 inches from the vaginal opening that is especially sensitive, and can cause women to orgasm from stimulation of just this area. In fact, Zwi Hoch (but not Berta, though I'm sure she could have) published a paper in which he "trained" 64 percent of his noncoitally orgasmic subjects to have orgasms vis a vis the G-spot. In most of these cases it was from manual stimulation, though in some it was from "anteriorly directed intercourse. This is how scientists say "doggie style" and still get published in medical journals.

But I digress. We know that only 20-30% of women orgasm from plain old intercourse. Hopefully I shouldn't need to say this, but just in case: this doesn't mean that women don't enjoy it. One can be anorgasmic and still have a wonderful time in the bedroom. However (and I shouldn't need to say this either), that doesn't mean you shouldn't try and get your girl off. Just because she doesn't come from sex doesn't mean she can't come. I know you know this, but we still hear plenty about women achieving orgasm less often than men from straight sexual encounters. And not just a little less. Four times less in committed relationships, and ten times less in casual hookups, says a recent study. Why?

I don't think it's because women are faking it, despite what Hollywood tells us.

The same article has a rather dismal theory: men don't care, especially if it's not their girlfriend. If the girlfriend doesn't make the guy try to get her off, he may not do it; and if it's a casual hookup, forget it. How we live with men all around us like this is baffling to me. It isn't a fully rewarding sexual experience for me if I'm not utterly sure that my partner had a great time too. This isn't related to my emotional attachment to the girl, or whether we're dating or not, just a basic sense of reciprocity. While these statistics are disheartening, I try not to despair. Fellas** reading this: step it up. If you're getting off, she should too. At least make a valiant attempt. Some girls won't come, others may not want you to try like you want to, but seriously. At least ask. Ladies reading this: make dudes step it up. If a guy doesn't do what he can to make sure you have a good time, he's not worth your time. Not being invested in a partner's orgasm is a character flaw. I mean this seriously and wholeheartedly.

Besides, don't you want your partner to look like this because of you?

Now, I know the reaction some of you may have. It's harder for girls to get off. In most cases, that's certainly true. Sometimes the challenge may even seem insurmountable. But odds are good the girl knows what she likes, and she can help you out if you don't know. And besides, it's worth the time and effort. She'll be happier, you'll be happier, and I'll be happier. Because I can sense when people are having orgasms. I'll know.***

*Actually, abnormally so. Years and years before the first time I ever went down on a girl, I'd spend hours on the Internet reading up on what one is supposed to do. For some reason, it was something that I really wanted to make sure I did well. I have no idea why oral stressed me out so much more than everything else, but it definitely did.

**And queer girls too, though I think reciprocity is a little more inherent in same-sex relationships.

*** Seriously.

Images via john07eom.wordpress.com, freshmilc.com, japingape.blogspot.com