On Deviancy

This probably comes as no huge surprise, but I talk with my friends about sex a lot. A lot of the time, it's in the way that I do on this blog, having political or philosophical discussions tangentially related to sex. Porn, prostitution, and abstinence-only education are all examples that come up frequently. A lot of the time, however, it's closer to sexual counseling. I have friends that, especially when they're with a new partner, will tell me all about the sex they're having, in no unclear terms. I've been doing this with a handful of friends over years, and more than anything what this has made me realize is that people tend to think they're a lot weirder than they are.

This comes about in two different ways. The first of these is some form of sexual dysfunction. I hear women worry that they're broken because they don't have orgasms from sex. This is troublesome if you don't know that only 20-30% of all women have orgasms from just penis-in-vagina intercourse. I'll hear girls who think they must be absolutely insane for not enjoying oral sex. Again, worrisome if you think you're the only one, but I know plenty of girls who are the same way. Even stranger to some people, I get guys telling me they can't come when they're with a girl. Lord knows this is a blow to the self-esteem of the male who's told his self-worth is based on his ability to impregnate a woman. Once again, though, this is not an uncommon thing. I've heard about it from male friends, or from female friends about their partners. One of the most important epiphanies I ever had about sex is that sex doesn't have to be penis-in-vagina, and neither party needs to orgasm from it. What kind of sex you have is up to you and your partner, no one else. One of the reasons I continue to find sex as fascinating as I do is precisely because there are so many variations on it.

This ties directly in with the other way people seem to think they're weird. I've talked to countless people about their sexual preferences, and in the same vein, I stopped thinking anything is weird. It doesn't take too long hearing about people with a thing for bondage (or S&M, or hairy arms...) before you realize that it's not a big deal. Not always from the person with the fetish. In many cases I get people whose partners were interested in something that they had either never done or just had never felt particularly interested in. Because my friends are wonderful, open-minded people, they decided to give them a shot, and a lot of the time they end up having fun with them. You'll never know if you like getting your feet fucked unless you try it. I'm not saying that people should do things they're plain uncomfortable with just to make their partner happy. But just because you're not thrilled about something doesn't mean it's not worth trying to make someone you care about happier and more satisfied. More importantly, even if you really don't want to do something, it doesn't mean your partner is weird or perverted because they do.

Seriously. Not that weird. Maybe even awesome. Keep staring. You might like it.

If there's one thing I want people to take away from this blog, it's that there are as many sexual profiles as there are people. It breaks my heart when I hear people say things like "Oh, he's into golden showers? I always knew he was weird." or "That's the type of girl that you just know wants to get tied up or something". First, there's a judgment being passed on the action itself. Just because something doesn't sound fun to you doesn't mean it's bad.* Second, there's a judgment being passed on the person. He's a freak, she's a pervert. Aside from the obvious fact that what goes on in someone's bedroom isn't anyone else's business, it doesn't necessarily affect any other part of their life. Which is the last point: it's impossible to tell someone's sexual preferences from outside the bedroom. I've met really strong people with strong personalities that enjoy getting thrown around in the bedroom. I've met people that lead the most straight-laced lives that do some of the craziest stuff I've heard in the bedroom.

I mean, really. would you look at this guy and assume he likes to be peed on?**

The short version of what I'm trying to say is really this: quit thinking you're weird for anything that happens in your sex life. More importantly, quit thinking other people are weird for theirs.

*This is basically the argument I use when talking about homosexuality, and I've recently realized how similar they are. People that consider themselves fully accepting because they don't hate queer people, then turn around and judge someone for having a foot fetish perplex me. The idea that they're being fully accepting of sexuality because of one single type of sexual interest is ridiculous. I'm not saying that all of these fetishes should appeal to everyone. Far from it. As these things go, I'm fairly vanilla in my sexual preferences. But to think someone is weird or bad or a pervert because of these things is absolutely preposterous.

**In case you didn't know, Ricky Martin actually does like golden showers. You can read the interview that got his official support pulled from Unicef here.

Images via musicstars.com.ar, heresycorner.blogspot.com