On Adrian Colesberry

Carrying on for a bit with the trend of posts on books, I will be taking look at a book that has recently grown very near and dear to my heart: How to Make Love to Adrian Colesberry by Adrian Colesberry.

See? The cover is even nice and discrete. No one will know what you're reading about.

Now, with a title like that, you would assume that it must be a joke book. It is certainly a funny book, but to consider it nothing more than a humor book would be a major discredit to it. The book is, ostensibly, is exactly what it sounds like: a chronicling of everything the author likes in bed. Written well, that’s already enough to hook me, but I realize I’m not quite in the majority there. However, literally half the book is annotations. In these annotations, he tells anecdotes about his own life and relationships. Though the book is already full of information on him and his exes*, the annotations give an extra layer of depth and character to the author that make the book really feel like you know the guy.

And who wouldn't want to know this guy? Clearly the woman behind him does.

Again, though, I realize that I’m happy to just hear about other people’s sex lives for days on end without complaint, but that’s not for everyone. So what makes this book worth reading for everyone (and I do mean pretty much everyone)? Well, aside from being very, very funny, it’s genuinely informative. For women, There aren’t too many good sources for sex advice. Sure, you can learn Ten Ways to Turn Your Man to Mush from Cosmopolitan, or whatever the kids are reading these days, but really, does anyone listen to that shit? I really, deeply hope not. What this book does is lay out in meticulous detail everything a man likes.

Now, I don’t mean “a man” to mean “every man”. Surely you know, you savvy read-my-old-posts reader you, that everyone is different, and just because one person likes something doesn’t mean that everyone will. What’s so great about this book, though, is it tells you ALL about what one person likes, in a lot more detail and honesty than most women will ever get to hear. Further, the anecdotes provide a huge number of examples of how he found out he liked (or didn’t) like something in bed, and the stories are, aside from interesting, an insight into how you can find out these things for yourself. But you're already a guy, you say? I personally found his self-reflection enlightening for myself. The way he digs into himself is infectious, and it makes you want to consider things about yourself. You may not be that much like him, but even the things that are different are interesting, as most of them aren't necessarily gender-specific. In other words, much of what he says could apply to either gender, so so it's still super informative for men.

And look here: information can be sexy.

Another things that I find absolutely fantastic about this book is how up front Adrian is about his own peculiarities in the bedroom. I don’t mean kinky stuff (though there’s plenty of that, too), but, for instance, he can only come from missionary position, and even then not often. By the time I read this (halfway through the book), I was sure that he had to be the greatest lover of all time, and this threw me for a loop. Of course, not being able to orgasm easily has nothing to do with being a great lover. I know this, but this book cemented it more firmly in my head with such a concrete example. There are infinite more moments like this, where in learning about his (and his exes) differences you remember why sex is so great: because it’s not the same for any two people. Again, these are things we hopefully already know, but this book gets it across in a much better way than simply saying it outright (like I do). I’m going to quote him at length here as an example that struck me as especially fascinating of something that takes great self-awareness and honesty with one’s self to even recognize.

For Adrian Colesberry, lust feels a lot like aggression.** He’s been aware of this for many years, so he’s not going to get confused, like teenage boys often do, and say something mean when he really wants to touch your boobs. He’ll just touch your boobs (if and only if that’s already a part of your relationship). That way, you don’t get your feelings hurt and you do get your boobs touched. Win-win.Once you start fucking him, you might think that his feelings of lust would clarify themselves, seeing as they are being directly addressed, but just the opposite is the case: They get closer and closer to aggression in an asymptotic approach. Again, he’s in control of this and isn’t liable to get confused and insult your mother when he likes your mother fine but wants to flip you into doggie-style. He’ll just flip you into doggie-style without a word about your mother. And assuming that you enjoy getting vigorously fucked from behind, that’s another win for the both of you.

He then goes on to explain a number of different ways he gets this aggression out (dirty-talking, spanking, hair-pulling), etc. This is the sort of thing that I'm sure plenty of guys can relate to, but may not notice about themselves very easily. He is full of wonderful insights like this.

Finally, this book is great because Adrian is so sex-positive. Of course he would be, you think, given the topic. But he goes well beyond the call of duty. He doesn’t just fill his prose with parentheticals like the above, reminding you that consent is important. The line I have quote most often since reading the book is on the topic of orgasms. More specifically, he lays out all of his past girlfriends orgasms, ie if they happen, how they happen and how far into the lovemaking they happen. At this point he mentions he’s dated a few women who never came with him (some only came from masturbation, some just didn’t come) and that though he likes getting you off, if you have a hard time reaching orgasm, that won’t stress him out, and it shouldn’t stress you out either. Because, as he puts it, “fucking towards a goal creates a possibility of failure where there shouldn’t be one.” Absolutely genius.

On the same note, it would be very easily to treat his exes like chattel throughout this book, as he's cataloguing all of his sexual experiences with these women. Instead, he manages to treat them all with the utmost respect, even when using a story about one of them as an example of what not to do. ***

This, I realize, isn’t so much a book review as most of these posts will be. This is my outright telling you to buy this book. It’s really, really good. It’s funny, it’s disarming, it’s informative, and it will just make you happy to read. Do it.****

* And I mean full. He graphs them with various data sets early on, giving information like height weight and cup size. But it's not at all dehumanizing, like it could sound from what I just said. Far from it, he treats all of these women with the utmost respect. More on this later.

**Yes, he talks in the third person for the whole book. It’s annoying for about three pages, then you stop noticing. And actually, even though the book is by nature unabashedly self-involved, not seeing “I” and “me” written all over the place makes it seem less so.

***In fact, he uses in one (and only one) place in the book my new favorite term for all of his exes together: the pantheon. Exquisite.

****If you’re like me and just can’t get nearly enough of this guy when you’re finished with the book*****, he has a blog, too. It puts mine to shame, so I shouldn’t actually link you to it, but I’m going to anyway, because he hasn’t been writing for a few months, so he’s not competition. Go! It’s amazing.

*****Yes, I'm kind of in love. Yes, it may have caused some problems in other relationships for me.

images via amazon.com, blog.creativeloafing.com, blog.okcupid.com

On Cunts

Hooray, the blog is back. I’m not sure exactly where I want to take it in the future, but for the present I think I want to write a few articles based on books I’ve been reading. I’m excited to hear what else you might want me to write about, but in the mean time, I’ll just dive right in. Today's will be Cunt by Inga Muscio.

She's really setting me up for a Georgia O'Keefe joke here.

I wanted to say that the first thing I noticed is the tone (we'll get there shortly), but that’s not quite true. The first thing I noticed was, not surprisingly, the first page of the book. Before the foreword, preface or introduction (all of which are present) there is an author’s note stating “Unless otherwise stated, throughout this book the words ‘gentleman,’ ‘man’ and the like are used to refer to the tightly knit, male social power structure as it is recognized in American patriarchal society.” She then goes on to explain that there are nice men in the world, and she respects some of them, but that first bit is extremely problematic for me. I understand this disclaimer is intended to be a “I don’t hate all men, so please don’t get worried by my terminology”. But the book is called Cunt because she wants any term that gets used for the vagina to be a positive one, so she’s trying to reclaim the term. Clearly she feels strongly about the power of words. And yet, here in the first sentence of the book, she says that she plans to use the word “men” to mean a very specific sect of males and corporations and a number of other intangible things, specifically in America. The idea that she will then be saying things like “men keep us down” and “men don’t give a shit about women or what they think” and think that it will have no repercussions is ludicrous. Given that she makes up words or sticks words together or repurposes words slightly throughout the book, it seems neglectful that she wouldn’t come up with some term that can mean what she wants it to without using the word we already use to mean, you know, all males.

And yes, dear readers, she makes up words. I won’t say much about it, but the whole tone of her writing is very specific, I’m sure very intentional, and EXTREMELY annoying. If you plan to pick this book up, expect a lot of ain’ts, don’ts (instead of doesn’t), and in’ s (instead of ing). This is mixed in with a hefty dose of new age vocabulary*, and while both are irritating separately, they’re especially difficult to get through in tandem. I still have no idea what she was trying to accomplish with having this in there, but it was really hard to focus on the points she was making early on. Admittedly, though, by the end of the book I had nearly stopped noticing. I hope to regain my intolerance shortly, however.

No, not that kind of intolerance.

In the first section of the book, she discusses the word itself. She likes the word cunt rather than the vagina, in part because vagina only refers to the inner part rather than the whole lovely organ,** but also because the name comes from the Latin word for sheath. Sure, that’s a little weird to have the “correct” word for vagina be only in relation to the penis. Then, however, she goes on to only refer to the penis throughout the section as “prick”. Wait a second. Doesn’t that sort of have the impression of only being related to the vagina? Not to mention being the most violent of the commonly used terms? I don’t believe that she dislikes all men, but the complete lack of though about men involved is frustrating, disheartening, and makes the whole book harder to read.

Besides, the term "vagina" is just inaccurate. You can't fit a sword in there.

In a final criticism, other than just seeming entirely inconsiderate about things she’s demanding for men***, she occasionally takes things to what I consider a radical, unhealthy view that is actually harmful to the cause. It comes up sparingly, but there are the occasional quotes like:

“A gentleman who doesn’t have the physical and/or emotional sensitivity to use condoms couldn’t possibly possess the self-confidence required to fully procure the infinite soundings of pleasure from the depths of a woman’s being, via the endlessness of her cunt.” (emphasis hers)

Obnoxious new-age diction aside, this again just shows utter disregard for the full acceptance of men, when she’s asking for that acceptance of women. Now, in the vast majority of cases, absolutely, men should wear a Goddamned condom, and if it’s casual sex, there’s more or less no way around that. But she’s talking about a long-term solution, as opposed to any other form of birth control. I personally know men who flat out cannot orgasm with a condom on, and have heard of many others who can’t maintain an erection with one on. Saying that it’s all down to sensitivity seems callous or ignorant. And I’m still not sure what that has to do with self-confidence.

Another quote on a very different topic but is still harmful is:

“Now when I hear of a man murdering a woman I assume that he raped her unless I read the fucken (sic) coroner’s report myself.”

What? Why? This quote comes after a harrowing story of a leader of a Seattle band getting raped and murdered, but only the murder made it to the headlines. No, that shouldn’t have happened. Yes, sometimes the media sucks. But really? Every time you hear of a murder, you won’t believe anyone except the coroner that the woman wasn’t raped? That isn’t just depressing, it’s absurd.

After saying all of this, you may think I hated the book. I didn’t, not by a long shot. The overall message of the book is fantastic, and one that I wish more women heard. It might be a bit much for a woman who hasn’t read any feminist literature, but the general “second wave feminism didn’t fix anything, there are still a billion problems, get pissed about it” is fantastic, and she does a good job of convincing the reader of just that. If anyone reading here honestly thinks that feminism has done all it needs to do, this book may well be for you.

Another thing I genuinely appreciate is that she gives practical advice. In multiple places she talks about concrete, practical things women can do for themselves. This includes alternatives to tampons (to save money and to not be giving it to a men-controlled corporation), alternatives to clinical abortions (that are not guaranteed to work but are much less unpleasant and a step you can try before going to a clinic) and advice on masturbation and sex (because how can you write a book about cunts and not cover that stuff?) Further, there is a big chapter on rape, and she covers a lot of important information about self-defense and ways to protect oneself.**** These are important things to learn about and things that aren’t taught in an institutionalized way in our society, and should be. Big chunks of her advice are things I hope every woman hears, if not from this book then from somewhere else.

On the whole I think that this book is almost too mixed to have a generalized opinion on it. I really like some parts, some parts really frustrate me, and some parts I think are actually destructive rather than helpful. I think Cunt is often considered to be a primer of feminist literature and philosophy, and as that I think it does its job admirably. It covers most of the good aspects of feminism and hits on a couple of the lame, man-hating parts, too. Maybe not the ideal book to convert the masses, but it’s a start.

*The largest section of the book (on cunt-as-a-body-part, not on cunt-as-a-word) is called The Anatomical Jewel. I’m as happy as the next guy to get on board with praising women’s anatomy, but something about this term just sounds so unattractive. I never got over it, throughout the whole book.

**A notion I understand and respect, as I often thought it was weird that we did that. Picture referring to your nose, your eyes, your ears, all as your face.

***Though, were she here to defend herself, she might say that a big part of this book is about women supporting women, not men; and that should go both ways; which I agree with to a point. But I still think a basic level of equality in her thinking could have gone a long way in this book.

****Not necessarily taking a martial arts class, but, in her main example, when going to buy smokes late at night, she puts on a big baggy sweatshirt to make herself less look womanly, puts a few rocks in her pockets to be able to throw, and she calls her friend who lives in the apartment above her and says “If I don’t call you back in 10 minutes, come looking for me.” Not necessary for every woman in every neighborhood in every city, but damn good advice for some.

images via goodreads.com, drudgereport.com, humanflowerproject.com

Twitter, of all things.

Dear readers, I have succumbed. I am now on twitter. I plan on using it chiefly for links that I don't have much analysis to add, but still think are worth reading. So if you want a some sex-related articles to read during your lunchbreak, feel free to check me out here. Hope you enjoy.

On Wanting to Want

I generally talk about sex on this blog like it's something that everyone wants to do all the time and always has a good time doing it. I know i'm guilty of it, but it's just how I like to think about sex. In my perfect world, everyone has lots of good sex all the time. But it's of course true that even when one has the option of having sex, even when it's someone you really care about, not everyone always wants to. Lack of sexual desire is extremely common, in fact. There are extremes of this (this NY Times article comes to mind), but people can struggle with it in smaller ways, too. In fact, one of the most common sexual problems couples face is a disparity in how frequently they want to have sex. It can be easy to write off as a natural and hopeless disparity between the sexes (though this problem is by NO means always gender-dictated), but this can be a very difficult problem for both parties. For the one interested in more sex, it can make them feel unwanted or unloved, or at the very least underappreciated. For the one wanting sex less frequently, they can feel pressured and uncomfortable, which will only make them feel even less horny. So what does one do about this, exactly? Blogger Greta Christina has more than a few thoughts on this that she has shared over many blog entries. These, combined with some other blogs and my own thoughts will hopefully give you a new outlook on the concept.

The first thing I'd like to cover is the idea of wanting sex in the first place. One way Greta talks about this is through the analogy of food, which I find extremely helpful. There are two basic ways one wants food. There’s the “Ohmygod I need to eat right this second” type, and there's the “I’d really like to have a good steak sometime soon. Maybe I should go get a nice cut this weekend” type. Both are inarguably still about wanting food, they just feel a lot different. Just because you don't have an uncontrollable physical urge on a regular basis doesn't necessarily mean that you don't want sex. Now, this is probably a slightly different way of looking at wanting sex, but that is, at least in part, due to the way sex is always portrayed in the media.

Then again, maybe this just doesn't sound like a stretch because this already looks like sex to me.

The only way we see romantic sex is when both parties are spontaneously overcome with desire, and are no longer capable of holding themselves back any longer. Greta calls this the "swept away" myth, and thinks it's symptomatic of a culture that needs to hide behind an altered, very emotional state to have sex be morally justifiable. That may have some truth to it, but I'm not sure how one judges that sort of thing. More importantly for this post, however, is that's it's a dumb myth, and it's harmful. As Greta said,

The "swept away" myth of spontaneity seriously limits your opportunities to learn about sex; to learn more about your partners desires and your own; to expand your sexual repertoire. It limits the kinds of sex you can have: if planning for sex ruins it, that pretty much rules out the acquisition of sex toys. Not to mention sex education materials, or smut, or birth control. And -- especially if your life is stressful and overbooked, or you're getting older and the spontaneous urge to boff is diminishing -- it limits your sex life in the most blunt and obvious way... namely, how often you have it.

I know I've talked about it before, but it's worth mentioning again: talking about things with your partner doesn't have to make your sex any less sexy.

You, the skeptical reader, are thinking "Alright Zach, you ridiculously handsome young man (this is when you wink at me), we get it, you can talk about sex, and sex is like food, but what does that mean? What can I do about the fact that I still don't want to have sex as often as my partner (or vice versa)?" The aforementioned blogger is a huge proponent of a rather unpopular option: scheduling sex. This, on the face of it, does not sound particularly romantic. But there are a lot of reasons why it may not be a terrible idea. First of all, there is the aforementioned swept away myth. Like a good meal, just because you know you're going to have sex one night doesn't mean it can't still be great.

Besides, wouldn't it be nice to see "SEX!" thrown in on some days of your planner?

In fact, this brings me to one of the most important concepts she brings up on the subject: you don't have to want to have sex all the time, you just have to be willing to want to. It's perfectly conceivable that if you plan a night of romance in advance, one or both parties won't be in the mood immediately when the time comes. Just because you're not having urges right that second to jump your partner doesn't mean that all hope is lost. Especially if one partner is already in the mood, they can help get the ball rolling by doing things that turn the other one on. Just beginning to go through the familiar parts of foreplay can have a huge impact. Though I'm not exactly the poster child for waning sexual desire, this is something that has certainly come up for me. I've not always been in the mood when my partner first initiates. At the end, though, I have NEVER been unhappy with my choice to have sex.

This doesn't just apply for couples trying to schedule sex. If your partner tries to get down and you're not in the mood, do you try and get into it with them, or do you just get annoyed? If you're closed off to the idea that you could eventually get in the mood, then it's never going to happen. However, if your partner is patient and you're open to getting turned on, then you might be surprised at what you feel a short while later.

Greta mentions a few other ways to deal with desire disparity in one particular post that, in the interest of being fairly comprehensive, I'll share as well. The first of these is to rethink your sexual encounters altogether. If one person is constantly looking or sex but the other party isn't particularly interested, maybe there are other sexy things you could do together. You could try mutual masturbation, watching porn, reading dirty lit, or any number of other possibilities. It's not a cure-all, but it's important to remember that there are lots of sexy things that might sate some of your desires. Next on the list was thinking about when you want to have sex, during the day and in the week. Thinking about when you want to have sex and when you feel drained may help you realize that it’s not that you don’t want to have sex, it’s that your partner only wants to have sex at times when you’re not up for it. This is another place in which scheduling can come in handy. Next was, simply put, compromise. This is self-explanatory and certainly not ideal, but may at some point be necessary. The next is trying an open relationship. This is certainly a slightly more controversial option, but she makes a valid point: if it is a big enough deal that you’re considering breaking up over it, the worst that could happen is that it doesn’t work out, and you still break up. I’m extremely interested in the concept of open relationships and hope to talk about them more in the future, but safe to say that this is no necessarily an obvious option for most couples, but could be a great idea for some: there are many couples who are extremely happy with becoming open even though they were originally skeptical about it.

Guys, just don't expect it to look like this.

Finally, there is couples’ counseling. There are trained professionals who can help people through their problems, and rest assured: desire disparity is a common one. No couple is the same though, and having a professional to help you through it can be of great assistance.

This is obviously not the end-all guide to the issue, but I know it's a common problem, and I'd like to get a discussion on the topic rolling. Hopefully this can be a jumping off point for dealing with the issue, or at least getting people to talk about the issue at all. If anyone has come across the problem and has other solutions, I'd be terribly interested to read them.

images via closetcooking.blogspot.com, pheromones-report.com, genisisunit.com

Harvard Reads My Blog

Alright, when I decided that Indiana University reads my blog, it may have just been coincidence. But this time I'm pretty sure: Harvard reads my blog. They had a conference this weekend called Rethinking Virginity, and it's all about the power of words like slut and virgin, and how the concept of virginity is a lot more malleable than we may have originally thought. Sound familiar? There's a set of articles from various speakers discussing their panels here.

Condoms and Porn!

I'm still in Europe for another week, but I might as well keep you all a LITTLE entertained while I'm gone. This is a PSA reminding you to not be overly generous when picking your condom size, as it actually can have some negative repercussions. And this is an article about a church group offering an support group for porn addiction. Of course if anyone has a legitimate addiction, I applaud efforts to help people through them. You'll notice, though, a sneaky little sentence added in there: "The programs at Ms. Renaud’s group and at XXX Church diverge from secular sexual theory by treating masturbation and arousal as sins rather than elements of healthy sexuality." (emphasis added). Wait a minute. masturbation I'm used to hearing as not allowed. I don't understand it or agree with it, but I'm used to it. Now arousal is on the list? The Christians are really going crazy with this stuff now.

I'll be back soon with a fresh start. What do you all want to read about?

Kids Don't Know About Contraception

Sorry it's been so long since I've posted, folks. I'm doing a tour through Europe at the moment, and haven't had a lot of time to think about the heady (no pun intended) aspects of sex. To remind you all how important learning about sex is, though, I bring you this article on how kids today don't know what contraception does for them at all. Let this be a lesson to you all.