Fidelity is an issue that I think about a lot. People have widely differing ideas of what being in a relationship may mean, and - whether or not they discuss these with their partner - may have vastly different concepts of what is okay to do with other people when one is inside a relationship. I have maintained a pretty strict definition for going out: either we are, or we aren't. This used to be a source of contention with women with whom I'd be involved, as I used to be less than clear about my definitions, and let girls think what they would. This ended with girls thinking we were in a more serious relationship than I thought we were, which rarely ended happily.
This changed when I met a girl named Christine. I don't remember her last name (it was a long time ago), but if I did, I would hunt her down and thank her. After she and I had spent a decent amount of time together, she thought we were, if not already officially dating, certainly on that track. I had no such conceptions, and eventually the situation came to a head. Rather than letting me be self-righteous and assume I'd done nothing wrong, she berated me. I had led her on, and that wasn't okay. Not only was she disappointed I didn't want to be with her, she wouldn't have gotten physical with me had she known I didn't think we were dating. I think even as she let me have it, I retained my self-righteous view, but over the next couple of weeks, it set in. Ever since, I've gone to painstaking lengths to make sure that all the women in my life understand where I'm coming from, and what our relationship is. Luckily, this conversation happened my freshman year of high school, not when I'm 25.
I don't have any pictures of Christine, but I'm pretty sure she looked like this.
The issue of whether I'm officially dating a girl or not is especially important with me, as I have what I'm sure are weird conceptions of fidelity. When I'm going out (in the traditional exclusive way) with someone, I'm consistently faithful. I've never cheated on a girlfriend, and I'm never planning on doing so. For whatever reason, I'm quite staunch on this. I've been with physical with multiple girls at the same time (not the EXACT same time - that's still on the to-do list), but not when it's been understood that we're in an exclusive relationship. The concept hardly even makes sense to me. If I want to be with someone else so badly that I'm willing to jeopardize (even if you may think you're going to get away with it, the risk is there) my relationship with my girlfriend, or so badly that I'm willing to potentially hurt my girlfriend, then I probably need to get out of the relationship anyway.
That said, I've had a curious inconsistency that I've never really sorted out. Though I'll never cheat on a girl, and have consistently gotten furious at my friends who have cheated, for some reason I historically have rarely had a problem with girls cheating on their boyfriends with me. I'm not 100% sure why this is, though it may have something to do with where I've always felt the blame lies when cheating occurs. While of course it's true that it takes two parties to cheat, I don't think it's fair to mitigate any of the blame just to blame the third person. It's difficult for me to think that if Johnny cheats on Sally with Mary, that Johnny gets off any easier just because Mary had to say yes to the whole thing. But the point is, that's not to say there's no blame on Mary.
Though admittedly, sometimes cheating is hilarious.
All the same, I've still let girls cheat on their partners with me. Admittedly, this hasn't happened in at least a couple years, and I don't know if I'd let it happen again. But the fact remains it's happened before. Knowing that I'd never have done it if the boyfriend had been a close friend, I think it may be simplest to simply chalk it up to selfishness. But why I let myself do this and never cheat, I still don't know.
I post this not to convince anyone of a particular line of thought, but just to give my thoughts on one subject, and a little more background on myself. More than anything, I'm interested in hearing other people's thoughts about fidelity. Not just about whether you've cheated or not, but about the concept of cheating, and of relationships (especially at a young age, which are often considered to be frivolous). So tell me what you think!
Images via theinsider.com and funnychill.com
I agree with you. If you're unhappy enough in your relationship to cheat, then you're clearly unhappy enough not to be in that relationship. I think it all comes down to respect -- respecting your partner and respecting the relationship that you've built, and respecting yourself. Treating others with respect, it turns out, is often difficult nowadays.
ReplyDeleteWith that said, I have cheated. Just once, and it was something that I never thought I would do. Like you, I've always been completely against it. I can give all sorts of explanations as to why it happened and why it wasn't so bad, but I'm not really interested in giving excuses. I will say that, for all I never expected I would behave that way, I don't feel guilty about it (since I ended that relationship immediately afterwards and am still with the other guy almost a year later).